The Mariners game against the Indians Tuesday did manager Don Wakamatsu zero favors. While Wak is attempting to make the final decisions on who will make the 25 man roster to start the season, the recent performance of those players on the bubble is offering no help. Ronny Cedeno broke out the rye bread and mustard, Wladimir Balentin was 3-4 with 2 RBI and Chris Woodward was 2-5 with 2 runs scored. All this while Chris Jakubauskas was busy throwing 5 solid innings, giving up 1 run, while striking out 4 and walking none.
Bench players that seem to have a position secured based on their performance this spring include Mike Sweeney and Cedeno. The M's will need a backup catcher, which could go either way. Rob Johnson has looked decent offensively and is strong behind the plate. On the other hand, Jamie Burke is familiar with the staff, is a solid veteran option, and has even shown the ability to jump on the bump when times get tough(snicker). While the M's appear to be going with a 12-man bullpen, this essentially leaves one roster spot to fight for, and a good sized handful of players that can make a strong case for themselves.
The obvious choice would appear to be Balentin, but not so fast. Woodward has come on in the past couple of days and offers Willie Bloomquist-like utility potential. Mike Wilson did himself a solid yesterday with a 2 HR/5 RBI day, and all Chris Shelton has done is hit .460. Unfortunately, this leaves perennial odd man out Mike Morse without a home. Morse is out of options with the Mariners, and it's too bad. He seems like a player that just needs to get on a roster and get some innings, but it won't happen here. Wak has talked about playing the game right, which in baseball code, usually means more of a National League style of play, so it wouldn't surprise me to see Woodward be the final selection. He offers a little more versatility than Balentin off the bench, and would more well suited for pinch hitter/runner situations late in a game. Balentin is more of a starting outfielder/occasional DH that needs playing time, and those spots are a little jammed up right now. Look for him to head to Tacoma and become the first player called up when someone goes on the DL.
With the arms, it seems to be more of a crapshoot. Chris Jakubauskas has come out of nowhere to be the most impressive arm in Mariners camp this spring. Finding him a spot, especially after his 5 strong innings today, has to be strongly considered. He's a 30 year old journeyman who looks like he would fit nicely as a long relief/spot start option. The starting rotation seems to be set, after a combination of Morrow declaring himself a reliever and Ryan Rowland-Smith's strong outing yesterday. Garrett Olson hasn't been worthy of much talk this spring, which is disappointing, as he was potentially a nice fit for lefty long relief. This bullpen is going to be a last minute call. I say line 'em up in Vegas and have Nicole Zaloumis announce who's in and who's out, American Idol style. FSN's always looking for another reason to show her off anyway.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Monday, March 30, 2009
Official Memo: Tiger's Back
Feel free to resume watching golf again, Tiger Woods is back. With a birdie on the 72nd hold of the Bay Hill Invitational Sunday, Woods answered all questions about being ready in time for the Masters, completing a 5 shot, final round comeback and edging out Sean O'Hair by a stroke. After seeing his 12 foot birdie putt disappear into the cup on 18, Woods returned to his fist-pumping, caddy-hugging, winning ways and showed that taking 8 months off to recover from knee surgery is nothing more than a hiccup for the greatest golfer of all time.
What's more important to the game than Woods actually getting back to nailing all of his shots, is the pressure it puts on all the other golfers. It should be pointed out that going into Sunday, O'Hair had a 5 shot lead over Woods. Why did O'Hair fold? Because everyone does, and you would too if you saw Tiger coming down the fairway behind you. Having a 5 shot lead over Tiger in the final round is comparable to entering a demolition derby in a Gremlin. You're odds of taking home the trophy aren't good.
So fear not fair weather fans of golf such as myself. No longer do you have to pretend to care about names like Retief Goosen, Webb Simpson or Rory Sabatini. The reason you started watching golf in the first place has returned, and he appears ready to resume domination of his sport.
What's more important to the game than Woods actually getting back to nailing all of his shots, is the pressure it puts on all the other golfers. It should be pointed out that going into Sunday, O'Hair had a 5 shot lead over Woods. Why did O'Hair fold? Because everyone does, and you would too if you saw Tiger coming down the fairway behind you. Having a 5 shot lead over Tiger in the final round is comparable to entering a demolition derby in a Gremlin. You're odds of taking home the trophy aren't good.
So fear not fair weather fans of golf such as myself. No longer do you have to pretend to care about names like Retief Goosen, Webb Simpson or Rory Sabatini. The reason you started watching golf in the first place has returned, and he appears ready to resume domination of his sport.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Sunday Spin
Jeff Clement was given his ticket to Triple A Tacoma Sunday. Clement had been widely regarded as the Mariners next big stud, but has failed to produce in just about every sense of the word. I'm quite confident I could rip off second base with him behind the plate, and his offensive numbers continue to disappoint. For all the hype he's received, he just hasn't developed. With Adam Moore quickly rising through the ranks, it seems Clement may be left to ponder a position change, or serve as trade bait. The plus side is Clement's widely regarded potential makes him perfect for the latter.
The Mariners also announced that Brandon Morrow, who got off to a slow start this spring due to a forearm injury, would begin the season in the bullpen. This one's a double edged sword. The plus side is it gives the Mariners a solid option at closer. The minus is that putting Morrow back in the pen is going to make it that much more difficult for him to work his way into the starting rotation. Pitching one inning every other day doesn't really allow Morrow to stretch out his arm an build up the stamina required to be a starter.
This decision was made for a couple reasons. The gaggle of chumps currently messing around in the bullpen, are all seemingly involved in a fierce game of "not it" when it comes to the closer role. The latest candidate, David Aardsma, gave up 5 earned in 2/3 of an inning to the Kansas City Royals today, so he apparently wants nothing to do with it. Miguel Batista thinks the job should be his, but then somebody reminded him that he's Miguel Batista, and he stopped talking. Spring bright spot Shawn Kelly has continued to look good, but doesn't have the overpowering repertoire that Morrow possesses. When it's all said and done, moving Morrow to the pen is not a terrible move. It gives the M's a legitimate 9th inning presence, but for those of us who subscribe the the idea of Morrow becoming King Felix's running partner of the future, it's minor setback.
Personally, my favorite part of this move is that when Morrow trots to the mound for the ninth, he does so do the intensity of Rage Against the Machine, which is a considerable upgrade versus having to sit through AC/DC's squealing every time JJ entered the Safe.
The Mariners also announced that Brandon Morrow, who got off to a slow start this spring due to a forearm injury, would begin the season in the bullpen. This one's a double edged sword. The plus side is it gives the Mariners a solid option at closer. The minus is that putting Morrow back in the pen is going to make it that much more difficult for him to work his way into the starting rotation. Pitching one inning every other day doesn't really allow Morrow to stretch out his arm an build up the stamina required to be a starter.
This decision was made for a couple reasons. The gaggle of chumps currently messing around in the bullpen, are all seemingly involved in a fierce game of "not it" when it comes to the closer role. The latest candidate, David Aardsma, gave up 5 earned in 2/3 of an inning to the Kansas City Royals today, so he apparently wants nothing to do with it. Miguel Batista thinks the job should be his, but then somebody reminded him that he's Miguel Batista, and he stopped talking. Spring bright spot Shawn Kelly has continued to look good, but doesn't have the overpowering repertoire that Morrow possesses. When it's all said and done, moving Morrow to the pen is not a terrible move. It gives the M's a legitimate 9th inning presence, but for those of us who subscribe the the idea of Morrow becoming King Felix's running partner of the future, it's minor setback.
Personally, my favorite part of this move is that when Morrow trots to the mound for the ninth, he does so do the intensity of Rage Against the Machine, which is a considerable upgrade versus having to sit through AC/DC's squealing every time JJ entered the Safe.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
No Tui, Say It Ain't So
The Seattle Mariners sent 4 more players to minor league camp on Thursday, most notably Matt Tuiasosopo - cue Boyz II Men's hit "End Of The Road". The plus side to this move is that Tui had an unbelievable spring (.404, 7 doubles, 2 homers), and the M's appear to have a strong option developing for when Adrian Beltre either gets traded in July or walks away next October.
Having Tui in Tacoma will allow him to get regular at bats, and improve his defensive skills. Let's face it, Beltre is a horse, he's not going to give up any playing time and he shouldn't have to. He's going to be a vital part of the Mariners success this year. While it's sad to see Tui sent down, he has seemingly cemented his place at the list of top Mariner prospects.
The 3 others sent down were right hander Sean White, and catchers Adam Moore and Jason Phillips. Phillips was brought in basically to help groom pitchers. He'll offer some solid veteran experience to the developing arms in Triple A, as well as serve as a mentor to Moore, and most likely Jeff Clement, who appears to be on his way back to Tacoma to start the year, after looking more and more lost on a daily basis. White is a right handed relief pitcher who doesn't really stand out.
Tui, it was fun, and you looked great. Keep your head up and we'll see you soon.
Having Tui in Tacoma will allow him to get regular at bats, and improve his defensive skills. Let's face it, Beltre is a horse, he's not going to give up any playing time and he shouldn't have to. He's going to be a vital part of the Mariners success this year. While it's sad to see Tui sent down, he has seemingly cemented his place at the list of top Mariner prospects.
The 3 others sent down were right hander Sean White, and catchers Adam Moore and Jason Phillips. Phillips was brought in basically to help groom pitchers. He'll offer some solid veteran experience to the developing arms in Triple A, as well as serve as a mentor to Moore, and most likely Jeff Clement, who appears to be on his way back to Tacoma to start the year, after looking more and more lost on a daily basis. White is a right handed relief pitcher who doesn't really stand out.
Tui, it was fun, and you looked great. Keep your head up and we'll see you soon.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
2009 Mariner Upgrades
Mariners fans, let's take a second to look at what's ahead of us. Remember how excited everyone was leading into the season last year? How analysts were picking the M's to challenge for the AL West? How the pitching was going to carry the team? Well, I'm taking this opportunity to make a case for being equally - if not more - excited about the line up this year.
Starting Pitching -
King Felix back at #1, a healthy (fingers crossed, keep rubbin' that butt Rick Griffin) Erik Bedard at #2, a healthy (keep applying magic tonic to that elbow Rick Griffin) Brandon Morrow, up-and-coming Ryan Rowland-Smith and a Carlos Silva with something to prove rounding out the rotation challenges any rotation the Mariner's have had...ever. If Morrow can't make the beginning of the season, we can parade our token trade bait Jarrod Washburn for a month to try to entice some sucker into taking his $10 million contract off our hands.
The Pen -
Come on, who's middle relief isn't a mess?! That's why they're middle relievers, because they aren't good enough to be starters, and they aren't good enough to be closers. Bright side, Chris Jakubauskas has looked great in spring, Garrett Olson is a promising lefty with spot start potential, and the rest of the misfits will work themselves out. While this may be the only area that seemingly downgraded by losing JJ Putz as the closer and Morrow as the 8th inning bridge, let me gently remind you that Putz was hurt almost the entire year and Morrow being in the rotation is the stuff dreams are made of. As soon as Chad Cordero completes his rehab, Mariner fans will be remembering good times we had with Everyday Eddie. Until then, Mark Lowe will throw smoke and hope for the best.
The Defense -
The combination of Russell Branyan/Mike Sweeney will be more than adequate. The addition of Ronny Cendeno is the wake up call Jose Lopez and Yuniesky Betancourt need. The middle infield's biggest problem has been maturity, and what better way to inspire children to try harder than to threaten to take away what they hold dearest...their starting positions. And to be honest, neither was afraid Willie Bloomquist or Tug Hulett were stealing anyone's starting position.
The days of watching Raul flopping around in left are mercifully over. Oh, and we replaced him with some guy named Griffey. He's not bad. We brought in Franklin Gutierrez - a budding star who's already known as top-tier defensive player - as a replacement for resident-greaser Jeremy Reed. And with new addition Endy Chavez and Wladamir Balentien available to fill in at all three positions, the outfield appears rock solid.
The Sticks -
Getting Griffey back is clearly the most notable, mainly because it allows the rest of the line up to settle into their respective roles. If there was one gigantic flaw with last year's lineup, it was the inability to fill roles. Griffey hitting three allows for at left-right-left-right combination in the top four spots. Jose Lopez has proven he's offensively equipped to handle the 2 spot, and Beltre is in his contract year. Put him in the 4 hole and let him show what he can do. Branyan and Sweeney are veteran hitters who will fit perfectly into the 5 and 6 spots. Gutierrez is still finding himself at the plate a bit, but offers some speed that was desperately vacant from last year's squad. Taking some pressure off Kenji and planting him in the 8th spot will assure that last season was an fluke. Betancourt needs to acquire some plate discipline, and the 9 hole is a fitting place for him to do that.
Remember September, when it seemed the mess would be impossible to clean up? Those days are long gone my friends. And if you haven't already sent Jack Zduriencik an e-card to thank him, I suggest you do so immediately.
Starting Pitching -
King Felix back at #1, a healthy (fingers crossed, keep rubbin' that butt Rick Griffin) Erik Bedard at #2, a healthy (keep applying magic tonic to that elbow Rick Griffin) Brandon Morrow, up-and-coming Ryan Rowland-Smith and a Carlos Silva with something to prove rounding out the rotation challenges any rotation the Mariner's have had...ever. If Morrow can't make the beginning of the season, we can parade our token trade bait Jarrod Washburn for a month to try to entice some sucker into taking his $10 million contract off our hands.
The Pen -
Come on, who's middle relief isn't a mess?! That's why they're middle relievers, because they aren't good enough to be starters, and they aren't good enough to be closers. Bright side, Chris Jakubauskas has looked great in spring, Garrett Olson is a promising lefty with spot start potential, and the rest of the misfits will work themselves out. While this may be the only area that seemingly downgraded by losing JJ Putz as the closer and Morrow as the 8th inning bridge, let me gently remind you that Putz was hurt almost the entire year and Morrow being in the rotation is the stuff dreams are made of. As soon as Chad Cordero completes his rehab, Mariner fans will be remembering good times we had with Everyday Eddie. Until then, Mark Lowe will throw smoke and hope for the best.
The Defense -
The combination of Russell Branyan/Mike Sweeney will be more than adequate. The addition of Ronny Cendeno is the wake up call Jose Lopez and Yuniesky Betancourt need. The middle infield's biggest problem has been maturity, and what better way to inspire children to try harder than to threaten to take away what they hold dearest...their starting positions. And to be honest, neither was afraid Willie Bloomquist or Tug Hulett were stealing anyone's starting position.
The days of watching Raul flopping around in left are mercifully over. Oh, and we replaced him with some guy named Griffey. He's not bad. We brought in Franklin Gutierrez - a budding star who's already known as top-tier defensive player - as a replacement for resident-greaser Jeremy Reed. And with new addition Endy Chavez and Wladamir Balentien available to fill in at all three positions, the outfield appears rock solid.
The Sticks -
Getting Griffey back is clearly the most notable, mainly because it allows the rest of the line up to settle into their respective roles. If there was one gigantic flaw with last year's lineup, it was the inability to fill roles. Griffey hitting three allows for at left-right-left-right combination in the top four spots. Jose Lopez has proven he's offensively equipped to handle the 2 spot, and Beltre is in his contract year. Put him in the 4 hole and let him show what he can do. Branyan and Sweeney are veteran hitters who will fit perfectly into the 5 and 6 spots. Gutierrez is still finding himself at the plate a bit, but offers some speed that was desperately vacant from last year's squad. Taking some pressure off Kenji and planting him in the 8th spot will assure that last season was an fluke. Betancourt needs to acquire some plate discipline, and the 9 hole is a fitting place for him to do that.
Remember September, when it seemed the mess would be impossible to clean up? Those days are long gone my friends. And if you haven't already sent Jack Zduriencik an e-card to thank him, I suggest you do so immediately.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Can You Hear Me Now?!
New Jersey Nets forward Sean Williams was arrested Monday in Denver, after accusations that he got into an arguement with a clerk at a cell phone store and threw a computer monitor. According to Detective Sgt. Ron Pinson of the Lone Tree police, the store's printer and signature pad (no, not the signature pad!) were also damaged in the fracas. Williams was released on bail, held out of Monday night's matchup between the Nets and the Nuggets, and faces a possible suspension.
Perhaps Williams' lawyer Howard Fisher would be best served to offer the explanation of "who among us hasn't been in a cell phone store and wanted to destroy a computer monitor?" I know if I were on that jury, I'd have no choice but to agree. It's entirely possible that all Williams wanted was to upgrade to unlimited text messages because his teammates won't stop stealing his phone and using it to vote for Holly Madison on Dancing With The Stars. Those texts add up, people.
The unfortunate part of this situation is it's not as innocent as it seems. Williams comes complete with a track record of ridiculous mischief. In February, Williams was arrested for trespassing on the Boston College Campus...I'm serious. You see, Williams was booted off Boston College's basketball team in 2007 after multiple rules violations, including, but not limited to, marijuana possession. During his trespassing arrest, police reported Williams was belligerent, and even chose to write obscenities instead of his name on the fingerprint card and trespass warning.
This all begs the question of what's the next step in crime for Sean Williams? Rumor has it, the NBA has put out an APB to all of the country's major grocery chains with a picture of Williams and a direct order to not sell the unruly criminal eggs or toilet paper.
Perhaps Williams' lawyer Howard Fisher would be best served to offer the explanation of "who among us hasn't been in a cell phone store and wanted to destroy a computer monitor?" I know if I were on that jury, I'd have no choice but to agree. It's entirely possible that all Williams wanted was to upgrade to unlimited text messages because his teammates won't stop stealing his phone and using it to vote for Holly Madison on Dancing With The Stars. Those texts add up, people.
The unfortunate part of this situation is it's not as innocent as it seems. Williams comes complete with a track record of ridiculous mischief. In February, Williams was arrested for trespassing on the Boston College Campus...I'm serious. You see, Williams was booted off Boston College's basketball team in 2007 after multiple rules violations, including, but not limited to, marijuana possession. During his trespassing arrest, police reported Williams was belligerent, and even chose to write obscenities instead of his name on the fingerprint card and trespass warning.
This all begs the question of what's the next step in crime for Sean Williams? Rumor has it, the NBA has put out an APB to all of the country's major grocery chains with a picture of Williams and a direct order to not sell the unruly criminal eggs or toilet paper.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Jay Cutler Officially Needs A Diaper Change
Jay Cutler put his 7,516 square foot Denver home on the market this week, in an attempt to reveal an adoption of the "you can't fire me, I quit," attitude. Not to worry Bronco fans, Cutler still has his downtown condo, he's simply pulling this stunt for attention. Let's take a step back to examine...
Cutler is Denver's Pro Bowl quarterback. This offseason, Dever hired Patriots offensive coordinator Josh McDaniels to take over their vacant head coach position. Two weeks ago, rumors spread that McDaniels was attempting to trade Cutler. Since then, Cutler hasn't quit sobbing to the media about how badly his precious feelings were hurt, while McDaniels has publicly stated he is not interested in trading Cutler. Earth to Cutler, if it's a promise ring you're looking for, we stopped giving those out in middle school.
McDaniels however, is the same coach who was directly responsible for making Matt Cassell - who hadn't started a football game since high school - into a Pro Bowl caliber quarterback. That's fancy. McDaniels also comes to Denver directly from the most successful football franchise of the past decade. There's a pretty good chance he knows what's up when it comes to running an offense.
So Jay, I humbly suggest you take a deep breath, dab your tears, and realize what's happening. You have an offensive-minded head coach, who just last year turned a career backup into Pro Bowl-grade material. That same head coach has publicly stated he is not trying to trade you, but in fact, looks forward to helping you become an even better quarterback. Yet, because you're attitude is apparently that of a 7 year old, you've decided to pout, and attempt to sell a mansion during the worst economic crisis since The Great Depression. Smooth.
How about this...you lock it up, get your binky, tell your realtor you were just kidding and we'll see you at mini camp in a couple months. Okay? Okay...
Cutler is Denver's Pro Bowl quarterback. This offseason, Dever hired Patriots offensive coordinator Josh McDaniels to take over their vacant head coach position. Two weeks ago, rumors spread that McDaniels was attempting to trade Cutler. Since then, Cutler hasn't quit sobbing to the media about how badly his precious feelings were hurt, while McDaniels has publicly stated he is not interested in trading Cutler. Earth to Cutler, if it's a promise ring you're looking for, we stopped giving those out in middle school.
McDaniels however, is the same coach who was directly responsible for making Matt Cassell - who hadn't started a football game since high school - into a Pro Bowl caliber quarterback. That's fancy. McDaniels also comes to Denver directly from the most successful football franchise of the past decade. There's a pretty good chance he knows what's up when it comes to running an offense.
So Jay, I humbly suggest you take a deep breath, dab your tears, and realize what's happening. You have an offensive-minded head coach, who just last year turned a career backup into Pro Bowl-grade material. That same head coach has publicly stated he is not trying to trade you, but in fact, looks forward to helping you become an even better quarterback. Yet, because you're attitude is apparently that of a 7 year old, you've decided to pout, and attempt to sell a mansion during the worst economic crisis since The Great Depression. Smooth.
How about this...you lock it up, get your binky, tell your realtor you were just kidding and we'll see you at mini camp in a couple months. Okay? Okay...
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Surprise! Papelbon's An Idiot!
In an apparent attempt to flash knowledge he gained while attending John Rocker's sensitivity training course, Jonathan Papelbon compared former teammate Manny Ramirez to cancer. Now, comparing anyone to cancer seems like generally a bad idea. However, given the fact that Red Sox superstar in the making Jon Lester actually had cancer 2 years ago, this should make for some high quality discomfort in the clubhouse.
Granted, Papelbon is a closer, and it's well known that if there's a position on a baseball team that Tarzan could handle, it's the closer. Tarzan throw ball fast. Tarzan throw ball fast again. Team tell Tarzan game is over. Tarzan scream and drink Coors Light. The most difficult decision facing a closer is what AC/DC classic he would like pumping through the stadium as he struts out to the hill.
Papelbon gracefully described having Ramirez as a teammate. “It's like cancer. That’s what he was. Cancer. He had to go. We got Jason Bay—Johnny Ballgame, plays the game right, plays through broken knees, runs out every ground ball—and it was like a breath of fresh air, man! Awesome! No question.”
Broken knees huh?! Somehow, I'm doubting that's entirely accurate. As for that faint screaming you hear in the distance, that's Jason Bay expressing his displeasure towards being unwillingly dragged into this without notice.
Papelbon went further in his description of Ramirez, saying “He was on a different train! And you saw what happened with that. We got rid of him, and we moved on without him.” Yeah Paps, we did see what happened with that...the Rays won the American League Pennant, and you got an early start on your winter vacation. As for being on a different train, Papelbon seems to be himself on the fast track towards 2009 public apology #1.
Far be it for anyone to defend the endlessly controversial Manny Ramirez, but it's more about the words than the sentiment in this instance. Which, I guess, makes it more about the fact that Papelbon is a complete idiot, than whether or not Manny Ramirez qualifies as a terminal disease.
Major League Baseball...giving hillbilly athletes the opportunity to speak their minds since 1876.
Granted, Papelbon is a closer, and it's well known that if there's a position on a baseball team that Tarzan could handle, it's the closer. Tarzan throw ball fast. Tarzan throw ball fast again. Team tell Tarzan game is over. Tarzan scream and drink Coors Light. The most difficult decision facing a closer is what AC/DC classic he would like pumping through the stadium as he struts out to the hill.
Papelbon gracefully described having Ramirez as a teammate. “It's like cancer. That’s what he was. Cancer. He had to go. We got Jason Bay—Johnny Ballgame, plays the game right, plays through broken knees, runs out every ground ball—and it was like a breath of fresh air, man! Awesome! No question.”
Broken knees huh?! Somehow, I'm doubting that's entirely accurate. As for that faint screaming you hear in the distance, that's Jason Bay expressing his displeasure towards being unwillingly dragged into this without notice.
Papelbon went further in his description of Ramirez, saying “He was on a different train! And you saw what happened with that. We got rid of him, and we moved on without him.” Yeah Paps, we did see what happened with that...the Rays won the American League Pennant, and you got an early start on your winter vacation. As for being on a different train, Papelbon seems to be himself on the fast track towards 2009 public apology #1.
Far be it for anyone to defend the endlessly controversial Manny Ramirez, but it's more about the words than the sentiment in this instance. Which, I guess, makes it more about the fact that Papelbon is a complete idiot, than whether or not Manny Ramirez qualifies as a terminal disease.
Major League Baseball...giving hillbilly athletes the opportunity to speak their minds since 1876.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Free Charles Barkley! Free Charles Bar....wait, what?! He's out? Already?! Nevermind then...
Charles Barkley is finally a free man again. Confused? For those of you who may have accidentily blinked over the weekend, Sir Charles officially completed his obligation to society by spending the weekend in a tent. And by "tent", I actually mean tent. Barkley's 36 hour stay in Maricopa County's tent city classifies as punishment for his New Year's Eve DUI because he was forced to spend a weekend in a tent with other evil-doers. Wait, this just in, Barkley was in the tent by himself, sectioned off from all of the menacing prisoners, and guards brought his meals directly to his tent.
You thought Paris Hilton's stay in the clink was ridiculous. At one point, Barkley was actually spotted signing autographs for the guards. Now I'm not a expert on rules for prison guards, but I'm 62% sure that's breaking a rule. Well, at least Barkley was forced to wear the county's mandatory jail uniform, including pink underwear. Woops, actually it turns out he didn't have to do that either. Since Barkley was given 12 hours of work release on Sunday and Monday, he just wore a blue Nike track suit. That's it, I'm done trying to figure this one out.
I guess this goes to show, if there's a place to get wasted, go speeding through town running stop signs, and upon being arrested, provide the explanation that you were trying to reach your hooker faster, it's Arizona. Ah, if only McCain would have won...
You thought Paris Hilton's stay in the clink was ridiculous. At one point, Barkley was actually spotted signing autographs for the guards. Now I'm not a expert on rules for prison guards, but I'm 62% sure that's breaking a rule. Well, at least Barkley was forced to wear the county's mandatory jail uniform, including pink underwear. Woops, actually it turns out he didn't have to do that either. Since Barkley was given 12 hours of work release on Sunday and Monday, he just wore a blue Nike track suit. That's it, I'm done trying to figure this one out.
I guess this goes to show, if there's a place to get wasted, go speeding through town running stop signs, and upon being arrested, provide the explanation that you were trying to reach your hooker faster, it's Arizona. Ah, if only McCain would have won...
Monday, March 9, 2009
Tyson Turns Frown Upside Down
On February 17th, New Orleans Hornets center Tyson Chandler was traded to the lowly Oklahoma City Thunder for a washed up Joe Smith and never-was Chris Wilcox. Ouch. On February 18th, Chandler was sent back to the Hornets because the Thunder's team doctor said he had turf toe. Burn. Having to go back to the team that traded you because the crappy team you were supposed to go to wouldn't have you, is definitely grounds for pouting.
To say Chandler's return to the Hornets was expected to be uncomfortable would be putting it mildly. If history has shown us anything, it's that professional athletes do not deal well with being told they're not wanted. Typically, we'd expect to see Chandler's return to the Hornets go something like this...Tyson's turf toe - try saying that 5 times fast - continues to "hobble" him, he wears fancy suits and plants himself firmly on the bench the remainder of the year, the Hornets fail to make the playoffs due to lack of a true center and Chandler occasionally spits fire towards the media about how he's been "unappreciated" and "can't wait to get out of this (fill in this blank with whatever offensive description of New Orleans your heart desires)".
But apparently, Tyson Chandler did not attend the Terrell Owens School of Etiquette. Since returning to the Hornets, Chandler has played in 7 straight games...all Hornets victories. Chandler has averaged 11 points and 11 boards, shot 63% from the field and averaged 34 minutes a game. The team that once seemed destined to be this year's biggest disappointment, now appears to be it's greatest story of resurgence. And who do they have to thank? I'll give you a hint, his name isn't Joe Smith, and it sure as hell ain't Chris Wilcox.
To say Chandler's return to the Hornets was expected to be uncomfortable would be putting it mildly. If history has shown us anything, it's that professional athletes do not deal well with being told they're not wanted. Typically, we'd expect to see Chandler's return to the Hornets go something like this...Tyson's turf toe - try saying that 5 times fast - continues to "hobble" him, he wears fancy suits and plants himself firmly on the bench the remainder of the year, the Hornets fail to make the playoffs due to lack of a true center and Chandler occasionally spits fire towards the media about how he's been "unappreciated" and "can't wait to get out of this (fill in this blank with whatever offensive description of New Orleans your heart desires)".
But apparently, Tyson Chandler did not attend the Terrell Owens School of Etiquette. Since returning to the Hornets, Chandler has played in 7 straight games...all Hornets victories. Chandler has averaged 11 points and 11 boards, shot 63% from the field and averaged 34 minutes a game. The team that once seemed destined to be this year's biggest disappointment, now appears to be it's greatest story of resurgence. And who do they have to thank? I'll give you a hint, his name isn't Joe Smith, and it sure as hell ain't Chris Wilcox.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Hot Pota-T.O.
When even the criminal-tolerant Dallas Cowboys can't put up with you, what do you do? That's the question Terrell Owens has to now ask himself, after being released yesterday. Owens is the fantastically talented - yet equally obnoxious - wide receiver that just can't seem to get out of his own way.
Owens first began carving out his horrid reputation for being unstomachable in San Francisco, where he wouldn't shut up about how he was better than Jerry Rice...who just happens to be the greatest wide receiver of all time. When the 49ers ran out of patience and exclaimed "We don't want him, you take him," Owens left for Philly.
Upon arrival in Philly, Owens quickly called out former teammate Jeff Garcia for being a homosexual, which discredits Owens just a little, given Garcia is married to a Playboy playmate. After a few sideline tirades and a handful of public rants about how then teammate Donavon McNabb was soft, the Eagles paid him to stay home for half a season, because pretending he wasn't on the team was a better option than having Owens on the sidelines, crying to anyone who would listen about not getting the ball enough.
Dallas seemed to be a logical home for Owens, given Jerry Jones's love for drama, and desire to house every misfit ever to play in the NFL. But alas, Owens again chose to bite the hand that fed him, picking a fight with Tony Romo, accusing him of conspiring with tight end Jason Witten. Owens claimed Romo and Witten had devised a plan that would completely avoid throwing the ball in his direction. Oh, and lest we forget, at one point in his tenure with Dallas, Owens faked a suicide attempt because he apparently thought he wasn't getting enough attention.
However, the Cowboys releasing Owens just might be the first sign that hell hath officially frozen over. The Dallas Cowboys have made the decision that a player on their team is too selfish, creates too much drama, and draws too much negative publicity to their team. Surely these aren't the Dallas Cowboys we've all come to despise. Something's fishy here, and I suspect Jerry Jones's therapist has something to do with it.
What now for Terrell Owens, who again seems too hot to handle? I have a hunch ego-maniacal Raiders owner Al Davis is currently banging on his keyboard, attempting to use Wikipedia to track down Owens's cell phone number.
Owens first began carving out his horrid reputation for being unstomachable in San Francisco, where he wouldn't shut up about how he was better than Jerry Rice...who just happens to be the greatest wide receiver of all time. When the 49ers ran out of patience and exclaimed "We don't want him, you take him," Owens left for Philly.
Upon arrival in Philly, Owens quickly called out former teammate Jeff Garcia for being a homosexual, which discredits Owens just a little, given Garcia is married to a Playboy playmate. After a few sideline tirades and a handful of public rants about how then teammate Donavon McNabb was soft, the Eagles paid him to stay home for half a season, because pretending he wasn't on the team was a better option than having Owens on the sidelines, crying to anyone who would listen about not getting the ball enough.
Dallas seemed to be a logical home for Owens, given Jerry Jones's love for drama, and desire to house every misfit ever to play in the NFL. But alas, Owens again chose to bite the hand that fed him, picking a fight with Tony Romo, accusing him of conspiring with tight end Jason Witten. Owens claimed Romo and Witten had devised a plan that would completely avoid throwing the ball in his direction. Oh, and lest we forget, at one point in his tenure with Dallas, Owens faked a suicide attempt because he apparently thought he wasn't getting enough attention.
However, the Cowboys releasing Owens just might be the first sign that hell hath officially frozen over. The Dallas Cowboys have made the decision that a player on their team is too selfish, creates too much drama, and draws too much negative publicity to their team. Surely these aren't the Dallas Cowboys we've all come to despise. Something's fishy here, and I suspect Jerry Jones's therapist has something to do with it.
What now for Terrell Owens, who again seems too hot to handle? I have a hunch ego-maniacal Raiders owner Al Davis is currently banging on his keyboard, attempting to use Wikipedia to track down Owens's cell phone number.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Cuban Goes Crazy...Again.
After witnessing his Dallas Mavericks lose to the lowly Oklahoma City Thunder 96-87 Monday night, Mark Cuban officially went 100% spaz...again. Which immediately summons the question of when isn't this guy freaking out?! This time, Cuban's target is his own team. Disgusted with his players' lack of effort, Cuban declared "The effort and energy, on both sides of the ball, by each player will decide their future with the Mavericks. If each player can't take the personal initiative to make every game important and play like it, I don't see them being here next season."
What does Cuban expect exactly? After all, he owns an NBA basketball team. Hell, if he can get all 15 of his players to play one game as if it were important, I'd volunteer to wash his helicopter once a week for a year. Cuban clearly has set his expectations too high. Remember, this is the same guy who currently has Erick Dampier as his starting center. Dampier's Care-O-Meter seems to max out just above the acknowledgement of life level.
Cuban is also overlooking the fact that leading 6th Man of the Year candidate Jason Terry has returned from a broken hand 3 weeks early. Although, Terry coming back early was probably inspired by him wanting to get enough games played to qualify him for the award. That, coupled with the fact that in a few months, he'll be a free agent. Not that I'm talking bad about Terry being back. After all, he's on my fantasy team, and he has been sorely missed.
The part of this story that brings the biggest smile to my face might just be the fact that as an NBA owner, the number one sign that your players have shown a complete lack of effort and you should clean house, is if you lose to the Oklahoma City Thunder. That alone has Seattleites grinning and wanting to ask Clay Bennett "so, how's that whole stealing the Sonics from us thing working out?"
What does Cuban expect exactly? After all, he owns an NBA basketball team. Hell, if he can get all 15 of his players to play one game as if it were important, I'd volunteer to wash his helicopter once a week for a year. Cuban clearly has set his expectations too high. Remember, this is the same guy who currently has Erick Dampier as his starting center. Dampier's Care-O-Meter seems to max out just above the acknowledgement of life level.
Cuban is also overlooking the fact that leading 6th Man of the Year candidate Jason Terry has returned from a broken hand 3 weeks early. Although, Terry coming back early was probably inspired by him wanting to get enough games played to qualify him for the award. That, coupled with the fact that in a few months, he'll be a free agent. Not that I'm talking bad about Terry being back. After all, he's on my fantasy team, and he has been sorely missed.
The part of this story that brings the biggest smile to my face might just be the fact that as an NBA owner, the number one sign that your players have shown a complete lack of effort and you should clean house, is if you lose to the Oklahoma City Thunder. That alone has Seattleites grinning and wanting to ask Clay Bennett "so, how's that whole stealing the Sonics from us thing working out?"
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
T.J. Houshmandzadeh - The Ultimate Pain Reliever
Matt Hasselbeck's back injury kept him on the bench the majority of the Seahawks' nauseating 2008 season. Pain pills didn't cure the pain. Physical therapy fell short. Rest and relaxation spawned no relief. But what happened Monday has most likely got him rolling out of bed, looking at his wife and proclaiming "It must be a miracle, the pain has gone away!"
When the news broke Monday that free agent prize T.J. Houshmandzadeh had agreed to sign with the Seahawks, the elevators at the Space Needle momentarily stopped moving, as if to mechanically exclaim to each other "OMG WTF?!" For a city that has suffered seemingly endless disappointments in the past 12 months, things sure seem to be on the upswing. Houshmandzadeh, teaming up with current Seahawk Deion Branch, gives the Seahawks a Pro Bowl caliber wide receiver on each side of the field at all times. That, coupled with rising star John Carlson (55 catches, 5 TD in his rookie year) at tight end, has Seahawks fans wishing it were September 3rd.
As for Hasselbeck, he was just stopped by police after they had recieved complaints that Hasselbeck was sprinting through the streets of Bellevue, shouting threats about "the shotgun" and "unleashing the canon".
When the news broke Monday that free agent prize T.J. Houshmandzadeh had agreed to sign with the Seahawks, the elevators at the Space Needle momentarily stopped moving, as if to mechanically exclaim to each other "OMG WTF?!" For a city that has suffered seemingly endless disappointments in the past 12 months, things sure seem to be on the upswing. Houshmandzadeh, teaming up with current Seahawk Deion Branch, gives the Seahawks a Pro Bowl caliber wide receiver on each side of the field at all times. That, coupled with rising star John Carlson (55 catches, 5 TD in his rookie year) at tight end, has Seahawks fans wishing it were September 3rd.
As for Hasselbeck, he was just stopped by police after they had recieved complaints that Hasselbeck was sprinting through the streets of Bellevue, shouting threats about "the shotgun" and "unleashing the canon".
Monday, March 2, 2009
Woops....and I'm out!
Much like the rest of us, Boston Bruins goalie Tim Thomas doesn't like to work overtime. In fact, he'll apparently do whatever he can to get out of it. Twenty two seconds into the overtime period between his Bruins and the Washington Capitals, Thomas allowed Alexander Semin's offering - from over 80 feet away - to penetrate his wall of padding, ending the extra session.
Now I don't claim to be a hockey fan by any means, but if anything that's ever happened in hockey is worth a minute and six seconds of your scheduled YouTube time for the day, it's this. If not for the seemingly impossible shot that reaches it's intended destination with assistance from Thomas' leg, then for the speed at which Thomas exits the ice after the mishap. Rumor has it Thomas was heard uttering "I don't care if it's time and a half, I got shit to do tonight."
Hope that hot date you had to get to was a good one Tim. Hockey fans may not be the smartest, but if they know how to do anything, it's taunt players. And I doubt Bruins fans will be letting this blunder be forgotten any time soon.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T7-GlQ2t43k
Now I don't claim to be a hockey fan by any means, but if anything that's ever happened in hockey is worth a minute and six seconds of your scheduled YouTube time for the day, it's this. If not for the seemingly impossible shot that reaches it's intended destination with assistance from Thomas' leg, then for the speed at which Thomas exits the ice after the mishap. Rumor has it Thomas was heard uttering "I don't care if it's time and a half, I got shit to do tonight."
Hope that hot date you had to get to was a good one Tim. Hockey fans may not be the smartest, but if they know how to do anything, it's taunt players. And I doubt Bruins fans will be letting this blunder be forgotten any time soon.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T7-GlQ2t43k
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)