Remember when Greg Oden was the must have, can't miss, franchise cornerstone that the Blazers were lucky enough to get? Yeah, me neither. Although, you've got to hand it to him, just 2 years into his progressing (stop rolling your eyes, he played in 0 games last year, which technically makes anything progress) career, Oden has indeed shown masterful skill in one particular area...personal fouls.
Alright, it's fun with statistics time. In Oden's last 3 games, he has averaged a personal foul every 2:45. Add to the mix that these 3 games have been against Utah, Oklahoma City and Houston - Houston being the only team with a true center - and it becomes an even more confusing statistic. Is Mehmet Okur really challenging Oden at the rack? Is it really necessary to slap Nenad Krstic on the elbow as he heaves up another 3 point attempt? You might be thinking "Go easy on him, it's just a bad 3 games." Well, push that out to Oden's last 8 games, and his average minutes per foul bumps up to a robust 3:30. Comparatively, Orlando's Dwight Howard's average is 10:40.
What's the fuss? It's simple. There are 48 minutes in an NBA game. At Oden's current rate, he'll be able to log 21 minutes maximum per game. If Oden is to ever become the franchise center that he's been touted as, it would stand to reason that he should be on the floor for more than 43 percent of the game.
Not to worry Blazer fans, Oden's statistics still provide hope. Over that same 8 game span, Oden has averaged 3.5 offensive rebounds, which equates to an amazing 12 offensive rebounds per 48 minutes. Remember that Howard guy, his current 48 minute average is 6...and he's considered the best center in the league. If Oden can ever get that 40 year old looking 7 foot frame under control, and quit hacking everyone in the area code, that potential dominance could be right around the corner.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Rounding Out The Roster
The Mariners game against the Indians Tuesday did manager Don Wakamatsu zero favors. While Wak is attempting to make the final decisions on who will make the 25 man roster to start the season, the recent performance of those players on the bubble is offering no help. Ronny Cedeno broke out the rye bread and mustard, Wladimir Balentin was 3-4 with 2 RBI and Chris Woodward was 2-5 with 2 runs scored. All this while Chris Jakubauskas was busy throwing 5 solid innings, giving up 1 run, while striking out 4 and walking none.
Bench players that seem to have a position secured based on their performance this spring include Mike Sweeney and Cedeno. The M's will need a backup catcher, which could go either way. Rob Johnson has looked decent offensively and is strong behind the plate. On the other hand, Jamie Burke is familiar with the staff, is a solid veteran option, and has even shown the ability to jump on the bump when times get tough(snicker). While the M's appear to be going with a 12-man bullpen, this essentially leaves one roster spot to fight for, and a good sized handful of players that can make a strong case for themselves.
The obvious choice would appear to be Balentin, but not so fast. Woodward has come on in the past couple of days and offers Willie Bloomquist-like utility potential. Mike Wilson did himself a solid yesterday with a 2 HR/5 RBI day, and all Chris Shelton has done is hit .460. Unfortunately, this leaves perennial odd man out Mike Morse without a home. Morse is out of options with the Mariners, and it's too bad. He seems like a player that just needs to get on a roster and get some innings, but it won't happen here. Wak has talked about playing the game right, which in baseball code, usually means more of a National League style of play, so it wouldn't surprise me to see Woodward be the final selection. He offers a little more versatility than Balentin off the bench, and would more well suited for pinch hitter/runner situations late in a game. Balentin is more of a starting outfielder/occasional DH that needs playing time, and those spots are a little jammed up right now. Look for him to head to Tacoma and become the first player called up when someone goes on the DL.
With the arms, it seems to be more of a crapshoot. Chris Jakubauskas has come out of nowhere to be the most impressive arm in Mariners camp this spring. Finding him a spot, especially after his 5 strong innings today, has to be strongly considered. He's a 30 year old journeyman who looks like he would fit nicely as a long relief/spot start option. The starting rotation seems to be set, after a combination of Morrow declaring himself a reliever and Ryan Rowland-Smith's strong outing yesterday. Garrett Olson hasn't been worthy of much talk this spring, which is disappointing, as he was potentially a nice fit for lefty long relief. This bullpen is going to be a last minute call. I say line 'em up in Vegas and have Nicole Zaloumis announce who's in and who's out, American Idol style. FSN's always looking for another reason to show her off anyway.
Bench players that seem to have a position secured based on their performance this spring include Mike Sweeney and Cedeno. The M's will need a backup catcher, which could go either way. Rob Johnson has looked decent offensively and is strong behind the plate. On the other hand, Jamie Burke is familiar with the staff, is a solid veteran option, and has even shown the ability to jump on the bump when times get tough(snicker). While the M's appear to be going with a 12-man bullpen, this essentially leaves one roster spot to fight for, and a good sized handful of players that can make a strong case for themselves.
The obvious choice would appear to be Balentin, but not so fast. Woodward has come on in the past couple of days and offers Willie Bloomquist-like utility potential. Mike Wilson did himself a solid yesterday with a 2 HR/5 RBI day, and all Chris Shelton has done is hit .460. Unfortunately, this leaves perennial odd man out Mike Morse without a home. Morse is out of options with the Mariners, and it's too bad. He seems like a player that just needs to get on a roster and get some innings, but it won't happen here. Wak has talked about playing the game right, which in baseball code, usually means more of a National League style of play, so it wouldn't surprise me to see Woodward be the final selection. He offers a little more versatility than Balentin off the bench, and would more well suited for pinch hitter/runner situations late in a game. Balentin is more of a starting outfielder/occasional DH that needs playing time, and those spots are a little jammed up right now. Look for him to head to Tacoma and become the first player called up when someone goes on the DL.
With the arms, it seems to be more of a crapshoot. Chris Jakubauskas has come out of nowhere to be the most impressive arm in Mariners camp this spring. Finding him a spot, especially after his 5 strong innings today, has to be strongly considered. He's a 30 year old journeyman who looks like he would fit nicely as a long relief/spot start option. The starting rotation seems to be set, after a combination of Morrow declaring himself a reliever and Ryan Rowland-Smith's strong outing yesterday. Garrett Olson hasn't been worthy of much talk this spring, which is disappointing, as he was potentially a nice fit for lefty long relief. This bullpen is going to be a last minute call. I say line 'em up in Vegas and have Nicole Zaloumis announce who's in and who's out, American Idol style. FSN's always looking for another reason to show her off anyway.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Official Memo: Tiger's Back
Feel free to resume watching golf again, Tiger Woods is back. With a birdie on the 72nd hold of the Bay Hill Invitational Sunday, Woods answered all questions about being ready in time for the Masters, completing a 5 shot, final round comeback and edging out Sean O'Hair by a stroke. After seeing his 12 foot birdie putt disappear into the cup on 18, Woods returned to his fist-pumping, caddy-hugging, winning ways and showed that taking 8 months off to recover from knee surgery is nothing more than a hiccup for the greatest golfer of all time.
What's more important to the game than Woods actually getting back to nailing all of his shots, is the pressure it puts on all the other golfers. It should be pointed out that going into Sunday, O'Hair had a 5 shot lead over Woods. Why did O'Hair fold? Because everyone does, and you would too if you saw Tiger coming down the fairway behind you. Having a 5 shot lead over Tiger in the final round is comparable to entering a demolition derby in a Gremlin. You're odds of taking home the trophy aren't good.
So fear not fair weather fans of golf such as myself. No longer do you have to pretend to care about names like Retief Goosen, Webb Simpson or Rory Sabatini. The reason you started watching golf in the first place has returned, and he appears ready to resume domination of his sport.
What's more important to the game than Woods actually getting back to nailing all of his shots, is the pressure it puts on all the other golfers. It should be pointed out that going into Sunday, O'Hair had a 5 shot lead over Woods. Why did O'Hair fold? Because everyone does, and you would too if you saw Tiger coming down the fairway behind you. Having a 5 shot lead over Tiger in the final round is comparable to entering a demolition derby in a Gremlin. You're odds of taking home the trophy aren't good.
So fear not fair weather fans of golf such as myself. No longer do you have to pretend to care about names like Retief Goosen, Webb Simpson or Rory Sabatini. The reason you started watching golf in the first place has returned, and he appears ready to resume domination of his sport.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Sunday Spin
Jeff Clement was given his ticket to Triple A Tacoma Sunday. Clement had been widely regarded as the Mariners next big stud, but has failed to produce in just about every sense of the word. I'm quite confident I could rip off second base with him behind the plate, and his offensive numbers continue to disappoint. For all the hype he's received, he just hasn't developed. With Adam Moore quickly rising through the ranks, it seems Clement may be left to ponder a position change, or serve as trade bait. The plus side is Clement's widely regarded potential makes him perfect for the latter.
The Mariners also announced that Brandon Morrow, who got off to a slow start this spring due to a forearm injury, would begin the season in the bullpen. This one's a double edged sword. The plus side is it gives the Mariners a solid option at closer. The minus is that putting Morrow back in the pen is going to make it that much more difficult for him to work his way into the starting rotation. Pitching one inning every other day doesn't really allow Morrow to stretch out his arm an build up the stamina required to be a starter.
This decision was made for a couple reasons. The gaggle of chumps currently messing around in the bullpen, are all seemingly involved in a fierce game of "not it" when it comes to the closer role. The latest candidate, David Aardsma, gave up 5 earned in 2/3 of an inning to the Kansas City Royals today, so he apparently wants nothing to do with it. Miguel Batista thinks the job should be his, but then somebody reminded him that he's Miguel Batista, and he stopped talking. Spring bright spot Shawn Kelly has continued to look good, but doesn't have the overpowering repertoire that Morrow possesses. When it's all said and done, moving Morrow to the pen is not a terrible move. It gives the M's a legitimate 9th inning presence, but for those of us who subscribe the the idea of Morrow becoming King Felix's running partner of the future, it's minor setback.
Personally, my favorite part of this move is that when Morrow trots to the mound for the ninth, he does so do the intensity of Rage Against the Machine, which is a considerable upgrade versus having to sit through AC/DC's squealing every time JJ entered the Safe.
The Mariners also announced that Brandon Morrow, who got off to a slow start this spring due to a forearm injury, would begin the season in the bullpen. This one's a double edged sword. The plus side is it gives the Mariners a solid option at closer. The minus is that putting Morrow back in the pen is going to make it that much more difficult for him to work his way into the starting rotation. Pitching one inning every other day doesn't really allow Morrow to stretch out his arm an build up the stamina required to be a starter.
This decision was made for a couple reasons. The gaggle of chumps currently messing around in the bullpen, are all seemingly involved in a fierce game of "not it" when it comes to the closer role. The latest candidate, David Aardsma, gave up 5 earned in 2/3 of an inning to the Kansas City Royals today, so he apparently wants nothing to do with it. Miguel Batista thinks the job should be his, but then somebody reminded him that he's Miguel Batista, and he stopped talking. Spring bright spot Shawn Kelly has continued to look good, but doesn't have the overpowering repertoire that Morrow possesses. When it's all said and done, moving Morrow to the pen is not a terrible move. It gives the M's a legitimate 9th inning presence, but for those of us who subscribe the the idea of Morrow becoming King Felix's running partner of the future, it's minor setback.
Personally, my favorite part of this move is that when Morrow trots to the mound for the ninth, he does so do the intensity of Rage Against the Machine, which is a considerable upgrade versus having to sit through AC/DC's squealing every time JJ entered the Safe.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
No Tui, Say It Ain't So
The Seattle Mariners sent 4 more players to minor league camp on Thursday, most notably Matt Tuiasosopo - cue Boyz II Men's hit "End Of The Road". The plus side to this move is that Tui had an unbelievable spring (.404, 7 doubles, 2 homers), and the M's appear to have a strong option developing for when Adrian Beltre either gets traded in July or walks away next October.
Having Tui in Tacoma will allow him to get regular at bats, and improve his defensive skills. Let's face it, Beltre is a horse, he's not going to give up any playing time and he shouldn't have to. He's going to be a vital part of the Mariners success this year. While it's sad to see Tui sent down, he has seemingly cemented his place at the list of top Mariner prospects.
The 3 others sent down were right hander Sean White, and catchers Adam Moore and Jason Phillips. Phillips was brought in basically to help groom pitchers. He'll offer some solid veteran experience to the developing arms in Triple A, as well as serve as a mentor to Moore, and most likely Jeff Clement, who appears to be on his way back to Tacoma to start the year, after looking more and more lost on a daily basis. White is a right handed relief pitcher who doesn't really stand out.
Tui, it was fun, and you looked great. Keep your head up and we'll see you soon.
Having Tui in Tacoma will allow him to get regular at bats, and improve his defensive skills. Let's face it, Beltre is a horse, he's not going to give up any playing time and he shouldn't have to. He's going to be a vital part of the Mariners success this year. While it's sad to see Tui sent down, he has seemingly cemented his place at the list of top Mariner prospects.
The 3 others sent down were right hander Sean White, and catchers Adam Moore and Jason Phillips. Phillips was brought in basically to help groom pitchers. He'll offer some solid veteran experience to the developing arms in Triple A, as well as serve as a mentor to Moore, and most likely Jeff Clement, who appears to be on his way back to Tacoma to start the year, after looking more and more lost on a daily basis. White is a right handed relief pitcher who doesn't really stand out.
Tui, it was fun, and you looked great. Keep your head up and we'll see you soon.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
2009 Mariner Upgrades
Mariners fans, let's take a second to look at what's ahead of us. Remember how excited everyone was leading into the season last year? How analysts were picking the M's to challenge for the AL West? How the pitching was going to carry the team? Well, I'm taking this opportunity to make a case for being equally - if not more - excited about the line up this year.
Starting Pitching -
King Felix back at #1, a healthy (fingers crossed, keep rubbin' that butt Rick Griffin) Erik Bedard at #2, a healthy (keep applying magic tonic to that elbow Rick Griffin) Brandon Morrow, up-and-coming Ryan Rowland-Smith and a Carlos Silva with something to prove rounding out the rotation challenges any rotation the Mariner's have had...ever. If Morrow can't make the beginning of the season, we can parade our token trade bait Jarrod Washburn for a month to try to entice some sucker into taking his $10 million contract off our hands.
The Pen -
Come on, who's middle relief isn't a mess?! That's why they're middle relievers, because they aren't good enough to be starters, and they aren't good enough to be closers. Bright side, Chris Jakubauskas has looked great in spring, Garrett Olson is a promising lefty with spot start potential, and the rest of the misfits will work themselves out. While this may be the only area that seemingly downgraded by losing JJ Putz as the closer and Morrow as the 8th inning bridge, let me gently remind you that Putz was hurt almost the entire year and Morrow being in the rotation is the stuff dreams are made of. As soon as Chad Cordero completes his rehab, Mariner fans will be remembering good times we had with Everyday Eddie. Until then, Mark Lowe will throw smoke and hope for the best.
The Defense -
The combination of Russell Branyan/Mike Sweeney will be more than adequate. The addition of Ronny Cendeno is the wake up call Jose Lopez and Yuniesky Betancourt need. The middle infield's biggest problem has been maturity, and what better way to inspire children to try harder than to threaten to take away what they hold dearest...their starting positions. And to be honest, neither was afraid Willie Bloomquist or Tug Hulett were stealing anyone's starting position.
The days of watching Raul flopping around in left are mercifully over. Oh, and we replaced him with some guy named Griffey. He's not bad. We brought in Franklin Gutierrez - a budding star who's already known as top-tier defensive player - as a replacement for resident-greaser Jeremy Reed. And with new addition Endy Chavez and Wladamir Balentien available to fill in at all three positions, the outfield appears rock solid.
The Sticks -
Getting Griffey back is clearly the most notable, mainly because it allows the rest of the line up to settle into their respective roles. If there was one gigantic flaw with last year's lineup, it was the inability to fill roles. Griffey hitting three allows for at left-right-left-right combination in the top four spots. Jose Lopez has proven he's offensively equipped to handle the 2 spot, and Beltre is in his contract year. Put him in the 4 hole and let him show what he can do. Branyan and Sweeney are veteran hitters who will fit perfectly into the 5 and 6 spots. Gutierrez is still finding himself at the plate a bit, but offers some speed that was desperately vacant from last year's squad. Taking some pressure off Kenji and planting him in the 8th spot will assure that last season was an fluke. Betancourt needs to acquire some plate discipline, and the 9 hole is a fitting place for him to do that.
Remember September, when it seemed the mess would be impossible to clean up? Those days are long gone my friends. And if you haven't already sent Jack Zduriencik an e-card to thank him, I suggest you do so immediately.
Starting Pitching -
King Felix back at #1, a healthy (fingers crossed, keep rubbin' that butt Rick Griffin) Erik Bedard at #2, a healthy (keep applying magic tonic to that elbow Rick Griffin) Brandon Morrow, up-and-coming Ryan Rowland-Smith and a Carlos Silva with something to prove rounding out the rotation challenges any rotation the Mariner's have had...ever. If Morrow can't make the beginning of the season, we can parade our token trade bait Jarrod Washburn for a month to try to entice some sucker into taking his $10 million contract off our hands.
The Pen -
Come on, who's middle relief isn't a mess?! That's why they're middle relievers, because they aren't good enough to be starters, and they aren't good enough to be closers. Bright side, Chris Jakubauskas has looked great in spring, Garrett Olson is a promising lefty with spot start potential, and the rest of the misfits will work themselves out. While this may be the only area that seemingly downgraded by losing JJ Putz as the closer and Morrow as the 8th inning bridge, let me gently remind you that Putz was hurt almost the entire year and Morrow being in the rotation is the stuff dreams are made of. As soon as Chad Cordero completes his rehab, Mariner fans will be remembering good times we had with Everyday Eddie. Until then, Mark Lowe will throw smoke and hope for the best.
The Defense -
The combination of Russell Branyan/Mike Sweeney will be more than adequate. The addition of Ronny Cendeno is the wake up call Jose Lopez and Yuniesky Betancourt need. The middle infield's biggest problem has been maturity, and what better way to inspire children to try harder than to threaten to take away what they hold dearest...their starting positions. And to be honest, neither was afraid Willie Bloomquist or Tug Hulett were stealing anyone's starting position.
The days of watching Raul flopping around in left are mercifully over. Oh, and we replaced him with some guy named Griffey. He's not bad. We brought in Franklin Gutierrez - a budding star who's already known as top-tier defensive player - as a replacement for resident-greaser Jeremy Reed. And with new addition Endy Chavez and Wladamir Balentien available to fill in at all three positions, the outfield appears rock solid.
The Sticks -
Getting Griffey back is clearly the most notable, mainly because it allows the rest of the line up to settle into their respective roles. If there was one gigantic flaw with last year's lineup, it was the inability to fill roles. Griffey hitting three allows for at left-right-left-right combination in the top four spots. Jose Lopez has proven he's offensively equipped to handle the 2 spot, and Beltre is in his contract year. Put him in the 4 hole and let him show what he can do. Branyan and Sweeney are veteran hitters who will fit perfectly into the 5 and 6 spots. Gutierrez is still finding himself at the plate a bit, but offers some speed that was desperately vacant from last year's squad. Taking some pressure off Kenji and planting him in the 8th spot will assure that last season was an fluke. Betancourt needs to acquire some plate discipline, and the 9 hole is a fitting place for him to do that.
Remember September, when it seemed the mess would be impossible to clean up? Those days are long gone my friends. And if you haven't already sent Jack Zduriencik an e-card to thank him, I suggest you do so immediately.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Can You Hear Me Now?!
New Jersey Nets forward Sean Williams was arrested Monday in Denver, after accusations that he got into an arguement with a clerk at a cell phone store and threw a computer monitor. According to Detective Sgt. Ron Pinson of the Lone Tree police, the store's printer and signature pad (no, not the signature pad!) were also damaged in the fracas. Williams was released on bail, held out of Monday night's matchup between the Nets and the Nuggets, and faces a possible suspension.
Perhaps Williams' lawyer Howard Fisher would be best served to offer the explanation of "who among us hasn't been in a cell phone store and wanted to destroy a computer monitor?" I know if I were on that jury, I'd have no choice but to agree. It's entirely possible that all Williams wanted was to upgrade to unlimited text messages because his teammates won't stop stealing his phone and using it to vote for Holly Madison on Dancing With The Stars. Those texts add up, people.
The unfortunate part of this situation is it's not as innocent as it seems. Williams comes complete with a track record of ridiculous mischief. In February, Williams was arrested for trespassing on the Boston College Campus...I'm serious. You see, Williams was booted off Boston College's basketball team in 2007 after multiple rules violations, including, but not limited to, marijuana possession. During his trespassing arrest, police reported Williams was belligerent, and even chose to write obscenities instead of his name on the fingerprint card and trespass warning.
This all begs the question of what's the next step in crime for Sean Williams? Rumor has it, the NBA has put out an APB to all of the country's major grocery chains with a picture of Williams and a direct order to not sell the unruly criminal eggs or toilet paper.
Perhaps Williams' lawyer Howard Fisher would be best served to offer the explanation of "who among us hasn't been in a cell phone store and wanted to destroy a computer monitor?" I know if I were on that jury, I'd have no choice but to agree. It's entirely possible that all Williams wanted was to upgrade to unlimited text messages because his teammates won't stop stealing his phone and using it to vote for Holly Madison on Dancing With The Stars. Those texts add up, people.
The unfortunate part of this situation is it's not as innocent as it seems. Williams comes complete with a track record of ridiculous mischief. In February, Williams was arrested for trespassing on the Boston College Campus...I'm serious. You see, Williams was booted off Boston College's basketball team in 2007 after multiple rules violations, including, but not limited to, marijuana possession. During his trespassing arrest, police reported Williams was belligerent, and even chose to write obscenities instead of his name on the fingerprint card and trespass warning.
This all begs the question of what's the next step in crime for Sean Williams? Rumor has it, the NBA has put out an APB to all of the country's major grocery chains with a picture of Williams and a direct order to not sell the unruly criminal eggs or toilet paper.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Jay Cutler Officially Needs A Diaper Change
Jay Cutler put his 7,516 square foot Denver home on the market this week, in an attempt to reveal an adoption of the "you can't fire me, I quit," attitude. Not to worry Bronco fans, Cutler still has his downtown condo, he's simply pulling this stunt for attention. Let's take a step back to examine...
Cutler is Denver's Pro Bowl quarterback. This offseason, Dever hired Patriots offensive coordinator Josh McDaniels to take over their vacant head coach position. Two weeks ago, rumors spread that McDaniels was attempting to trade Cutler. Since then, Cutler hasn't quit sobbing to the media about how badly his precious feelings were hurt, while McDaniels has publicly stated he is not interested in trading Cutler. Earth to Cutler, if it's a promise ring you're looking for, we stopped giving those out in middle school.
McDaniels however, is the same coach who was directly responsible for making Matt Cassell - who hadn't started a football game since high school - into a Pro Bowl caliber quarterback. That's fancy. McDaniels also comes to Denver directly from the most successful football franchise of the past decade. There's a pretty good chance he knows what's up when it comes to running an offense.
So Jay, I humbly suggest you take a deep breath, dab your tears, and realize what's happening. You have an offensive-minded head coach, who just last year turned a career backup into Pro Bowl-grade material. That same head coach has publicly stated he is not trying to trade you, but in fact, looks forward to helping you become an even better quarterback. Yet, because you're attitude is apparently that of a 7 year old, you've decided to pout, and attempt to sell a mansion during the worst economic crisis since The Great Depression. Smooth.
How about this...you lock it up, get your binky, tell your realtor you were just kidding and we'll see you at mini camp in a couple months. Okay? Okay...
Cutler is Denver's Pro Bowl quarterback. This offseason, Dever hired Patriots offensive coordinator Josh McDaniels to take over their vacant head coach position. Two weeks ago, rumors spread that McDaniels was attempting to trade Cutler. Since then, Cutler hasn't quit sobbing to the media about how badly his precious feelings were hurt, while McDaniels has publicly stated he is not interested in trading Cutler. Earth to Cutler, if it's a promise ring you're looking for, we stopped giving those out in middle school.
McDaniels however, is the same coach who was directly responsible for making Matt Cassell - who hadn't started a football game since high school - into a Pro Bowl caliber quarterback. That's fancy. McDaniels also comes to Denver directly from the most successful football franchise of the past decade. There's a pretty good chance he knows what's up when it comes to running an offense.
So Jay, I humbly suggest you take a deep breath, dab your tears, and realize what's happening. You have an offensive-minded head coach, who just last year turned a career backup into Pro Bowl-grade material. That same head coach has publicly stated he is not trying to trade you, but in fact, looks forward to helping you become an even better quarterback. Yet, because you're attitude is apparently that of a 7 year old, you've decided to pout, and attempt to sell a mansion during the worst economic crisis since The Great Depression. Smooth.
How about this...you lock it up, get your binky, tell your realtor you were just kidding and we'll see you at mini camp in a couple months. Okay? Okay...
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Surprise! Papelbon's An Idiot!
In an apparent attempt to flash knowledge he gained while attending John Rocker's sensitivity training course, Jonathan Papelbon compared former teammate Manny Ramirez to cancer. Now, comparing anyone to cancer seems like generally a bad idea. However, given the fact that Red Sox superstar in the making Jon Lester actually had cancer 2 years ago, this should make for some high quality discomfort in the clubhouse.
Granted, Papelbon is a closer, and it's well known that if there's a position on a baseball team that Tarzan could handle, it's the closer. Tarzan throw ball fast. Tarzan throw ball fast again. Team tell Tarzan game is over. Tarzan scream and drink Coors Light. The most difficult decision facing a closer is what AC/DC classic he would like pumping through the stadium as he struts out to the hill.
Papelbon gracefully described having Ramirez as a teammate. “It's like cancer. That’s what he was. Cancer. He had to go. We got Jason Bay—Johnny Ballgame, plays the game right, plays through broken knees, runs out every ground ball—and it was like a breath of fresh air, man! Awesome! No question.”
Broken knees huh?! Somehow, I'm doubting that's entirely accurate. As for that faint screaming you hear in the distance, that's Jason Bay expressing his displeasure towards being unwillingly dragged into this without notice.
Papelbon went further in his description of Ramirez, saying “He was on a different train! And you saw what happened with that. We got rid of him, and we moved on without him.” Yeah Paps, we did see what happened with that...the Rays won the American League Pennant, and you got an early start on your winter vacation. As for being on a different train, Papelbon seems to be himself on the fast track towards 2009 public apology #1.
Far be it for anyone to defend the endlessly controversial Manny Ramirez, but it's more about the words than the sentiment in this instance. Which, I guess, makes it more about the fact that Papelbon is a complete idiot, than whether or not Manny Ramirez qualifies as a terminal disease.
Major League Baseball...giving hillbilly athletes the opportunity to speak their minds since 1876.
Granted, Papelbon is a closer, and it's well known that if there's a position on a baseball team that Tarzan could handle, it's the closer. Tarzan throw ball fast. Tarzan throw ball fast again. Team tell Tarzan game is over. Tarzan scream and drink Coors Light. The most difficult decision facing a closer is what AC/DC classic he would like pumping through the stadium as he struts out to the hill.
Papelbon gracefully described having Ramirez as a teammate. “It's like cancer. That’s what he was. Cancer. He had to go. We got Jason Bay—Johnny Ballgame, plays the game right, plays through broken knees, runs out every ground ball—and it was like a breath of fresh air, man! Awesome! No question.”
Broken knees huh?! Somehow, I'm doubting that's entirely accurate. As for that faint screaming you hear in the distance, that's Jason Bay expressing his displeasure towards being unwillingly dragged into this without notice.
Papelbon went further in his description of Ramirez, saying “He was on a different train! And you saw what happened with that. We got rid of him, and we moved on without him.” Yeah Paps, we did see what happened with that...the Rays won the American League Pennant, and you got an early start on your winter vacation. As for being on a different train, Papelbon seems to be himself on the fast track towards 2009 public apology #1.
Far be it for anyone to defend the endlessly controversial Manny Ramirez, but it's more about the words than the sentiment in this instance. Which, I guess, makes it more about the fact that Papelbon is a complete idiot, than whether or not Manny Ramirez qualifies as a terminal disease.
Major League Baseball...giving hillbilly athletes the opportunity to speak their minds since 1876.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Free Charles Barkley! Free Charles Bar....wait, what?! He's out? Already?! Nevermind then...
Charles Barkley is finally a free man again. Confused? For those of you who may have accidentily blinked over the weekend, Sir Charles officially completed his obligation to society by spending the weekend in a tent. And by "tent", I actually mean tent. Barkley's 36 hour stay in Maricopa County's tent city classifies as punishment for his New Year's Eve DUI because he was forced to spend a weekend in a tent with other evil-doers. Wait, this just in, Barkley was in the tent by himself, sectioned off from all of the menacing prisoners, and guards brought his meals directly to his tent.
You thought Paris Hilton's stay in the clink was ridiculous. At one point, Barkley was actually spotted signing autographs for the guards. Now I'm not a expert on rules for prison guards, but I'm 62% sure that's breaking a rule. Well, at least Barkley was forced to wear the county's mandatory jail uniform, including pink underwear. Woops, actually it turns out he didn't have to do that either. Since Barkley was given 12 hours of work release on Sunday and Monday, he just wore a blue Nike track suit. That's it, I'm done trying to figure this one out.
I guess this goes to show, if there's a place to get wasted, go speeding through town running stop signs, and upon being arrested, provide the explanation that you were trying to reach your hooker faster, it's Arizona. Ah, if only McCain would have won...
You thought Paris Hilton's stay in the clink was ridiculous. At one point, Barkley was actually spotted signing autographs for the guards. Now I'm not a expert on rules for prison guards, but I'm 62% sure that's breaking a rule. Well, at least Barkley was forced to wear the county's mandatory jail uniform, including pink underwear. Woops, actually it turns out he didn't have to do that either. Since Barkley was given 12 hours of work release on Sunday and Monday, he just wore a blue Nike track suit. That's it, I'm done trying to figure this one out.
I guess this goes to show, if there's a place to get wasted, go speeding through town running stop signs, and upon being arrested, provide the explanation that you were trying to reach your hooker faster, it's Arizona. Ah, if only McCain would have won...
Monday, March 9, 2009
Tyson Turns Frown Upside Down
On February 17th, New Orleans Hornets center Tyson Chandler was traded to the lowly Oklahoma City Thunder for a washed up Joe Smith and never-was Chris Wilcox. Ouch. On February 18th, Chandler was sent back to the Hornets because the Thunder's team doctor said he had turf toe. Burn. Having to go back to the team that traded you because the crappy team you were supposed to go to wouldn't have you, is definitely grounds for pouting.
To say Chandler's return to the Hornets was expected to be uncomfortable would be putting it mildly. If history has shown us anything, it's that professional athletes do not deal well with being told they're not wanted. Typically, we'd expect to see Chandler's return to the Hornets go something like this...Tyson's turf toe - try saying that 5 times fast - continues to "hobble" him, he wears fancy suits and plants himself firmly on the bench the remainder of the year, the Hornets fail to make the playoffs due to lack of a true center and Chandler occasionally spits fire towards the media about how he's been "unappreciated" and "can't wait to get out of this (fill in this blank with whatever offensive description of New Orleans your heart desires)".
But apparently, Tyson Chandler did not attend the Terrell Owens School of Etiquette. Since returning to the Hornets, Chandler has played in 7 straight games...all Hornets victories. Chandler has averaged 11 points and 11 boards, shot 63% from the field and averaged 34 minutes a game. The team that once seemed destined to be this year's biggest disappointment, now appears to be it's greatest story of resurgence. And who do they have to thank? I'll give you a hint, his name isn't Joe Smith, and it sure as hell ain't Chris Wilcox.
To say Chandler's return to the Hornets was expected to be uncomfortable would be putting it mildly. If history has shown us anything, it's that professional athletes do not deal well with being told they're not wanted. Typically, we'd expect to see Chandler's return to the Hornets go something like this...Tyson's turf toe - try saying that 5 times fast - continues to "hobble" him, he wears fancy suits and plants himself firmly on the bench the remainder of the year, the Hornets fail to make the playoffs due to lack of a true center and Chandler occasionally spits fire towards the media about how he's been "unappreciated" and "can't wait to get out of this (fill in this blank with whatever offensive description of New Orleans your heart desires)".
But apparently, Tyson Chandler did not attend the Terrell Owens School of Etiquette. Since returning to the Hornets, Chandler has played in 7 straight games...all Hornets victories. Chandler has averaged 11 points and 11 boards, shot 63% from the field and averaged 34 minutes a game. The team that once seemed destined to be this year's biggest disappointment, now appears to be it's greatest story of resurgence. And who do they have to thank? I'll give you a hint, his name isn't Joe Smith, and it sure as hell ain't Chris Wilcox.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Hot Pota-T.O.
When even the criminal-tolerant Dallas Cowboys can't put up with you, what do you do? That's the question Terrell Owens has to now ask himself, after being released yesterday. Owens is the fantastically talented - yet equally obnoxious - wide receiver that just can't seem to get out of his own way.
Owens first began carving out his horrid reputation for being unstomachable in San Francisco, where he wouldn't shut up about how he was better than Jerry Rice...who just happens to be the greatest wide receiver of all time. When the 49ers ran out of patience and exclaimed "We don't want him, you take him," Owens left for Philly.
Upon arrival in Philly, Owens quickly called out former teammate Jeff Garcia for being a homosexual, which discredits Owens just a little, given Garcia is married to a Playboy playmate. After a few sideline tirades and a handful of public rants about how then teammate Donavon McNabb was soft, the Eagles paid him to stay home for half a season, because pretending he wasn't on the team was a better option than having Owens on the sidelines, crying to anyone who would listen about not getting the ball enough.
Dallas seemed to be a logical home for Owens, given Jerry Jones's love for drama, and desire to house every misfit ever to play in the NFL. But alas, Owens again chose to bite the hand that fed him, picking a fight with Tony Romo, accusing him of conspiring with tight end Jason Witten. Owens claimed Romo and Witten had devised a plan that would completely avoid throwing the ball in his direction. Oh, and lest we forget, at one point in his tenure with Dallas, Owens faked a suicide attempt because he apparently thought he wasn't getting enough attention.
However, the Cowboys releasing Owens just might be the first sign that hell hath officially frozen over. The Dallas Cowboys have made the decision that a player on their team is too selfish, creates too much drama, and draws too much negative publicity to their team. Surely these aren't the Dallas Cowboys we've all come to despise. Something's fishy here, and I suspect Jerry Jones's therapist has something to do with it.
What now for Terrell Owens, who again seems too hot to handle? I have a hunch ego-maniacal Raiders owner Al Davis is currently banging on his keyboard, attempting to use Wikipedia to track down Owens's cell phone number.
Owens first began carving out his horrid reputation for being unstomachable in San Francisco, where he wouldn't shut up about how he was better than Jerry Rice...who just happens to be the greatest wide receiver of all time. When the 49ers ran out of patience and exclaimed "We don't want him, you take him," Owens left for Philly.
Upon arrival in Philly, Owens quickly called out former teammate Jeff Garcia for being a homosexual, which discredits Owens just a little, given Garcia is married to a Playboy playmate. After a few sideline tirades and a handful of public rants about how then teammate Donavon McNabb was soft, the Eagles paid him to stay home for half a season, because pretending he wasn't on the team was a better option than having Owens on the sidelines, crying to anyone who would listen about not getting the ball enough.
Dallas seemed to be a logical home for Owens, given Jerry Jones's love for drama, and desire to house every misfit ever to play in the NFL. But alas, Owens again chose to bite the hand that fed him, picking a fight with Tony Romo, accusing him of conspiring with tight end Jason Witten. Owens claimed Romo and Witten had devised a plan that would completely avoid throwing the ball in his direction. Oh, and lest we forget, at one point in his tenure with Dallas, Owens faked a suicide attempt because he apparently thought he wasn't getting enough attention.
However, the Cowboys releasing Owens just might be the first sign that hell hath officially frozen over. The Dallas Cowboys have made the decision that a player on their team is too selfish, creates too much drama, and draws too much negative publicity to their team. Surely these aren't the Dallas Cowboys we've all come to despise. Something's fishy here, and I suspect Jerry Jones's therapist has something to do with it.
What now for Terrell Owens, who again seems too hot to handle? I have a hunch ego-maniacal Raiders owner Al Davis is currently banging on his keyboard, attempting to use Wikipedia to track down Owens's cell phone number.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Cuban Goes Crazy...Again.
After witnessing his Dallas Mavericks lose to the lowly Oklahoma City Thunder 96-87 Monday night, Mark Cuban officially went 100% spaz...again. Which immediately summons the question of when isn't this guy freaking out?! This time, Cuban's target is his own team. Disgusted with his players' lack of effort, Cuban declared "The effort and energy, on both sides of the ball, by each player will decide their future with the Mavericks. If each player can't take the personal initiative to make every game important and play like it, I don't see them being here next season."
What does Cuban expect exactly? After all, he owns an NBA basketball team. Hell, if he can get all 15 of his players to play one game as if it were important, I'd volunteer to wash his helicopter once a week for a year. Cuban clearly has set his expectations too high. Remember, this is the same guy who currently has Erick Dampier as his starting center. Dampier's Care-O-Meter seems to max out just above the acknowledgement of life level.
Cuban is also overlooking the fact that leading 6th Man of the Year candidate Jason Terry has returned from a broken hand 3 weeks early. Although, Terry coming back early was probably inspired by him wanting to get enough games played to qualify him for the award. That, coupled with the fact that in a few months, he'll be a free agent. Not that I'm talking bad about Terry being back. After all, he's on my fantasy team, and he has been sorely missed.
The part of this story that brings the biggest smile to my face might just be the fact that as an NBA owner, the number one sign that your players have shown a complete lack of effort and you should clean house, is if you lose to the Oklahoma City Thunder. That alone has Seattleites grinning and wanting to ask Clay Bennett "so, how's that whole stealing the Sonics from us thing working out?"
What does Cuban expect exactly? After all, he owns an NBA basketball team. Hell, if he can get all 15 of his players to play one game as if it were important, I'd volunteer to wash his helicopter once a week for a year. Cuban clearly has set his expectations too high. Remember, this is the same guy who currently has Erick Dampier as his starting center. Dampier's Care-O-Meter seems to max out just above the acknowledgement of life level.
Cuban is also overlooking the fact that leading 6th Man of the Year candidate Jason Terry has returned from a broken hand 3 weeks early. Although, Terry coming back early was probably inspired by him wanting to get enough games played to qualify him for the award. That, coupled with the fact that in a few months, he'll be a free agent. Not that I'm talking bad about Terry being back. After all, he's on my fantasy team, and he has been sorely missed.
The part of this story that brings the biggest smile to my face might just be the fact that as an NBA owner, the number one sign that your players have shown a complete lack of effort and you should clean house, is if you lose to the Oklahoma City Thunder. That alone has Seattleites grinning and wanting to ask Clay Bennett "so, how's that whole stealing the Sonics from us thing working out?"
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
T.J. Houshmandzadeh - The Ultimate Pain Reliever
Matt Hasselbeck's back injury kept him on the bench the majority of the Seahawks' nauseating 2008 season. Pain pills didn't cure the pain. Physical therapy fell short. Rest and relaxation spawned no relief. But what happened Monday has most likely got him rolling out of bed, looking at his wife and proclaiming "It must be a miracle, the pain has gone away!"
When the news broke Monday that free agent prize T.J. Houshmandzadeh had agreed to sign with the Seahawks, the elevators at the Space Needle momentarily stopped moving, as if to mechanically exclaim to each other "OMG WTF?!" For a city that has suffered seemingly endless disappointments in the past 12 months, things sure seem to be on the upswing. Houshmandzadeh, teaming up with current Seahawk Deion Branch, gives the Seahawks a Pro Bowl caliber wide receiver on each side of the field at all times. That, coupled with rising star John Carlson (55 catches, 5 TD in his rookie year) at tight end, has Seahawks fans wishing it were September 3rd.
As for Hasselbeck, he was just stopped by police after they had recieved complaints that Hasselbeck was sprinting through the streets of Bellevue, shouting threats about "the shotgun" and "unleashing the canon".
When the news broke Monday that free agent prize T.J. Houshmandzadeh had agreed to sign with the Seahawks, the elevators at the Space Needle momentarily stopped moving, as if to mechanically exclaim to each other "OMG WTF?!" For a city that has suffered seemingly endless disappointments in the past 12 months, things sure seem to be on the upswing. Houshmandzadeh, teaming up with current Seahawk Deion Branch, gives the Seahawks a Pro Bowl caliber wide receiver on each side of the field at all times. That, coupled with rising star John Carlson (55 catches, 5 TD in his rookie year) at tight end, has Seahawks fans wishing it were September 3rd.
As for Hasselbeck, he was just stopped by police after they had recieved complaints that Hasselbeck was sprinting through the streets of Bellevue, shouting threats about "the shotgun" and "unleashing the canon".
Monday, March 2, 2009
Woops....and I'm out!
Much like the rest of us, Boston Bruins goalie Tim Thomas doesn't like to work overtime. In fact, he'll apparently do whatever he can to get out of it. Twenty two seconds into the overtime period between his Bruins and the Washington Capitals, Thomas allowed Alexander Semin's offering - from over 80 feet away - to penetrate his wall of padding, ending the extra session.
Now I don't claim to be a hockey fan by any means, but if anything that's ever happened in hockey is worth a minute and six seconds of your scheduled YouTube time for the day, it's this. If not for the seemingly impossible shot that reaches it's intended destination with assistance from Thomas' leg, then for the speed at which Thomas exits the ice after the mishap. Rumor has it Thomas was heard uttering "I don't care if it's time and a half, I got shit to do tonight."
Hope that hot date you had to get to was a good one Tim. Hockey fans may not be the smartest, but if they know how to do anything, it's taunt players. And I doubt Bruins fans will be letting this blunder be forgotten any time soon.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T7-GlQ2t43k
Now I don't claim to be a hockey fan by any means, but if anything that's ever happened in hockey is worth a minute and six seconds of your scheduled YouTube time for the day, it's this. If not for the seemingly impossible shot that reaches it's intended destination with assistance from Thomas' leg, then for the speed at which Thomas exits the ice after the mishap. Rumor has it Thomas was heard uttering "I don't care if it's time and a half, I got shit to do tonight."
Hope that hot date you had to get to was a good one Tim. Hockey fans may not be the smartest, but if they know how to do anything, it's taunt players. And I doubt Bruins fans will be letting this blunder be forgotten any time soon.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T7-GlQ2t43k
Friday, February 27, 2009
Bedard Breaks His Silence
Short, not exactly "sweet", and more disappointing than waking up from your afternoon nap, only to realize that it was all a dream, and that in real life it was Tom Brady who married Giselle Bundchen last night, and not you. That's the best description of Erik Bedard's first radio interview since becoming a Mariner that I could come up with.
I just happened to be channel flipping in my car Wednesday, when I checked to see what was on Seattle's 950 KJR. Much to my amazement, Erik Bedard was doing an interview. Yes, the same Erik Bedard who did zero interviews his first year in Seattle. The same Bedard that from all accounts, had a vocabulary similar to that of Tarzan . The same Bedard who was on the receiving end of seemingly endless media criticism over his lack of availability, his short starts, and his rumored nonexistent tolerance for pain. Yet, here he was, about to push the restart button, and begin his new life as a media darling.
In case you didn't know, Bedard is Canadian. And I'm talking, like, full on Canadian...like, lives with bears and stuff. While attempting to get a seemingly cheerful Bedard to share a little bit of background, Bedard was asked what he had been up to in the off season. His reply, "Not much. I have a 4 wheeler, so I drove that around,". 3 seconds of silence - that seemed like 10 minutes - immediately followed. When asked how the pitching shoulder he had surgically repaired in October felt, Bedard said "It feels good. It doesn't hurt." Then, out of nowhere, Bedard spit out "I've had the same friends since 2nd grade, so, you know." Yeah, there wasn't much that show hosts Gas Man and Nellie could do to make that unsolicited admission fit into conversation.
This unfortunately concludes my recap of the "highlights" from this interview. In the 6 minutes Bedard spent with the Gas Man and Nellie on KJR, he managed to prove to Mariner fans all over Seattle that silence really is golden, and maybe by sneaking out of the clubhouse every day before the media had access, Bedard was just doing fans a solid. When the universe finally showed some sympathy and mercifully brought this mess to an end, I realized that I had gone from anxiously awaiting Bedard's responses, to wishing my iPod adapter actually worked in my car, so I could save this particular trip home by pumping some Kelly Clarkson.
I just happened to be channel flipping in my car Wednesday, when I checked to see what was on Seattle's 950 KJR. Much to my amazement, Erik Bedard was doing an interview. Yes, the same Erik Bedard who did zero interviews his first year in Seattle. The same Bedard that from all accounts, had a vocabulary similar to that of Tarzan . The same Bedard who was on the receiving end of seemingly endless media criticism over his lack of availability, his short starts, and his rumored nonexistent tolerance for pain. Yet, here he was, about to push the restart button, and begin his new life as a media darling.
In case you didn't know, Bedard is Canadian. And I'm talking, like, full on Canadian...like, lives with bears and stuff. While attempting to get a seemingly cheerful Bedard to share a little bit of background, Bedard was asked what he had been up to in the off season. His reply, "Not much. I have a 4 wheeler, so I drove that around,". 3 seconds of silence - that seemed like 10 minutes - immediately followed. When asked how the pitching shoulder he had surgically repaired in October felt, Bedard said "It feels good. It doesn't hurt." Then, out of nowhere, Bedard spit out "I've had the same friends since 2nd grade, so, you know." Yeah, there wasn't much that show hosts Gas Man and Nellie could do to make that unsolicited admission fit into conversation.
This unfortunately concludes my recap of the "highlights" from this interview. In the 6 minutes Bedard spent with the Gas Man and Nellie on KJR, he managed to prove to Mariner fans all over Seattle that silence really is golden, and maybe by sneaking out of the clubhouse every day before the media had access, Bedard was just doing fans a solid. When the universe finally showed some sympathy and mercifully brought this mess to an end, I realized that I had gone from anxiously awaiting Bedard's responses, to wishing my iPod adapter actually worked in my car, so I could save this particular trip home by pumping some Kelly Clarkson.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Who are the Detroit Pistons?
Perhaps the better question is, where are the Detroit Pistons. They hadn't shown up for their past 6 games, and tonight against the Miami Heat, they showed zero signs of change. The same team that dominated the Eastern Conference such a short time ago, seems to be flailing their arms in desperation, as they tumble towards complete irrelevance.
In the interest of venting my personal frustrations first, I must question point guard Rodney Stuckey. If not for the fact that he hails from the city I now call home, then because he seems to have made it his personal mission to destroy my fantasy basketball team, one agonizingly invisible performance after another. Earlier this season, Stuckey seemed poised to become the next Motor City superstar. After having an outstanding holiday season in which he put up games of 40 and 38 in a two week period, Stuckey has seemingly decided to go with the "less is more" approach. Since the All-Star break, Stuckey is averaging a horrid 5 points per game...and I'm rounding up. For a guy who earlier looked to be the next Allen Iverson, Alan Alda has become a more appropriate comparison.
Stuckey's recent problems seem to be confidence related. He is taking less shots, tallying less assists, and is no longer getting any steals, all while playing the same amount of minutes. Head coach (please note - term used loosely) Michael Curry is quick to point out that Stuckey's aggression has seemed to lessen recently. Um, coach...I think that's what you're for. Although, you must give Curry some credit. He was recently spotted on the sidelines with his nose buried in the latest edition of "Coaching For Dummies", so at least we know he's trying.
Critics are quick point to the addition of Allen Iverson as the cause of the Pistons recent struggles, saying Iverson isn't a good fit for the team chemistry. Which immediately begs the question, what team chemistry? The Pistons are a group of proven, talented dudes, none of which seem like they would ever think about hitting up the local Hooters with each other after the game. Especially since Tayshaun Prince now refuses to eat food based on self image issues. Turns out he thinks if he gets up over 110 pounds, it makes his face look fat. Rasheed Wallace - yes 6'11", 230 pound forward Rasheed Wallace - has stubbornly declined his coach's request to spend even a single second inside the painted area, and is still convinced he's a 6"2" shooting guard, who's primary job is to hover around the 3 point line declaring "I'm open, I'm open". And to make matters worse, Walter Herrmann is still on the roster.
If there is a bright spot for the team with the it's longest losing streak in 7 years, it's Antonio McDyess. During the Pistons current skid, McDyess has remained consistent, averaging 11 points and 10 rebounds a contest. He's the solid, bring your lunch pail kind of player who serves as the lone reminder of what made the Pistons so successful for so long.
So how do they turn it around? Answering that question is more difficult than explaining how the universe made it possible for one mascot to throw a ball backwards over his head from half court and have it bounce off another mascot's special zone, then drop down through the hoop. The similarity between the two explanations might be that they both require many things to happen all at exact moments. Firstly, Michael Curry will need to stop crying, remove his head from his hands, and start doing something that resembles coaching. The Pistons brain trust has to realize that Allen Iverson doesn't adapt to your team, your team adapts to Allen Iverson. You hand him the ball and tell him "now run along and make things happen". In a perfect world, allowing Iverson to do so will inspire young Stuckey to do more of the same. The Pistons need to look to Prince to be primarily a lock down defender, and lead by example when it comes to defensive intensity. Someone needs to convince Rasheed Wallace that just because the floor is painted in that one area, that doesn't mean it will start your shoes on fire. Finally, the equipment manager needs to take everything that's in Walter Herrmann's locker and hide it somewhere different every day. Hopefully, by the time Herrmann tracks down his uniform, the game will already have ended.
Under .500 for the first time since 2000-01, should Pistons fans be worried that the playoffs are out of reach? Not really. The Pistons still play in the Eastern Conference, and just about everybody else sucks too.
In the interest of venting my personal frustrations first, I must question point guard Rodney Stuckey. If not for the fact that he hails from the city I now call home, then because he seems to have made it his personal mission to destroy my fantasy basketball team, one agonizingly invisible performance after another. Earlier this season, Stuckey seemed poised to become the next Motor City superstar. After having an outstanding holiday season in which he put up games of 40 and 38 in a two week period, Stuckey has seemingly decided to go with the "less is more" approach. Since the All-Star break, Stuckey is averaging a horrid 5 points per game...and I'm rounding up. For a guy who earlier looked to be the next Allen Iverson, Alan Alda has become a more appropriate comparison.
Stuckey's recent problems seem to be confidence related. He is taking less shots, tallying less assists, and is no longer getting any steals, all while playing the same amount of minutes. Head coach (please note - term used loosely) Michael Curry is quick to point out that Stuckey's aggression has seemed to lessen recently. Um, coach...I think that's what you're for. Although, you must give Curry some credit. He was recently spotted on the sidelines with his nose buried in the latest edition of "Coaching For Dummies", so at least we know he's trying.
Critics are quick point to the addition of Allen Iverson as the cause of the Pistons recent struggles, saying Iverson isn't a good fit for the team chemistry. Which immediately begs the question, what team chemistry? The Pistons are a group of proven, talented dudes, none of which seem like they would ever think about hitting up the local Hooters with each other after the game. Especially since Tayshaun Prince now refuses to eat food based on self image issues. Turns out he thinks if he gets up over 110 pounds, it makes his face look fat. Rasheed Wallace - yes 6'11", 230 pound forward Rasheed Wallace - has stubbornly declined his coach's request to spend even a single second inside the painted area, and is still convinced he's a 6"2" shooting guard, who's primary job is to hover around the 3 point line declaring "I'm open, I'm open". And to make matters worse, Walter Herrmann is still on the roster.
If there is a bright spot for the team with the it's longest losing streak in 7 years, it's Antonio McDyess. During the Pistons current skid, McDyess has remained consistent, averaging 11 points and 10 rebounds a contest. He's the solid, bring your lunch pail kind of player who serves as the lone reminder of what made the Pistons so successful for so long.
So how do they turn it around? Answering that question is more difficult than explaining how the universe made it possible for one mascot to throw a ball backwards over his head from half court and have it bounce off another mascot's special zone, then drop down through the hoop. The similarity between the two explanations might be that they both require many things to happen all at exact moments. Firstly, Michael Curry will need to stop crying, remove his head from his hands, and start doing something that resembles coaching. The Pistons brain trust has to realize that Allen Iverson doesn't adapt to your team, your team adapts to Allen Iverson. You hand him the ball and tell him "now run along and make things happen". In a perfect world, allowing Iverson to do so will inspire young Stuckey to do more of the same. The Pistons need to look to Prince to be primarily a lock down defender, and lead by example when it comes to defensive intensity. Someone needs to convince Rasheed Wallace that just because the floor is painted in that one area, that doesn't mean it will start your shoes on fire. Finally, the equipment manager needs to take everything that's in Walter Herrmann's locker and hide it somewhere different every day. Hopefully, by the time Herrmann tracks down his uniform, the game will already have ended.
Under .500 for the first time since 2000-01, should Pistons fans be worried that the playoffs are out of reach? Not really. The Pistons still play in the Eastern Conference, and just about everybody else sucks too.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Bango Gets Bucked
First Milwaukee Bucks All Star shooting guard Michael Redd tore up his knee. Then, former #1 pick Andrew Bogut went down with a season-ending back injury. Days later, starting point guard Luke Ridnour broke his thumb in practice. As if Bucks fans needed another reason to believe their season is cursed, there was the news that even the mascot couldn't make it past the All Star break without a major injury.
In the link below, you'll see how it happened. It's an opportunity for Bango to teach us all the important lesson that just when you think it can't get any worse, it usually does.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f_VdySnHsJY
Yep, that's Bango the Buck providing an assist to Charlotte Bobcats mascot Rufus with a little help from his pearls. In an attempt to draw attention away from his embarrassing faux pas, Bango decided to resort to the always popular "dropping yourself through the basket, while tearing your ACL". At first glance, somewhat impressive. After further review, probably not the ideal way to help the crowd forget you just had a ball thrown off yours from half court.
In the link below, you'll see how it happened. It's an opportunity for Bango to teach us all the important lesson that just when you think it can't get any worse, it usually does.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f_VdySnHsJY
Yep, that's Bango the Buck providing an assist to Charlotte Bobcats mascot Rufus with a little help from his pearls. In an attempt to draw attention away from his embarrassing faux pas, Bango decided to resort to the always popular "dropping yourself through the basket, while tearing your ACL". At first glance, somewhat impressive. After further review, probably not the ideal way to help the crowd forget you just had a ball thrown off yours from half court.
Friday, February 20, 2009
A Hero Returns Home
I've spent the past three days brainstorming ways to write about something other than Ken Griffey Jr's return to the Mariners, only to come to the conclusion that it's unavoidable. The reason being, in modern day professional sports, this just doesn't happen. In modern day sports, Brett Favre throws a tantrum, and ends up playing for the Jets. In modern day sports, Michael Jordan ends his career playing for the Washington Wizards. In modern day sports, Roger Clemens ends his career by attempting to invent the word "misremember" in a court of law.
In an arena so filled with cynicism, so filled with contempt for the over paid athlete, sports fans simply do not get the chance to experience something like this. The one-time savior of a city, who was led away by circumstance, making the sentimental decision to end his career where it all began. And the city of Seattle might just owe it all to a teenage girl.
According to Griffey's agent Brian Goldberg, it was Griffey's daughter Taryn, who played quite possibly the largest role in her father's decision. Griffey's biggest hold up with his return to Seattle was the distance that would be between him and his family during the season. His daughter attends school in Atlanta(insert snicker here), and Griffey was concerned with missing - amongst other events - her basketball games. It was Wednesday afternoon, the day that Griffey was due to announce his decision, that Taryn returned home from school to find her father still agonizing over the choice at hand. Taryn told her father that it was her events he would be missing the most of, and that she thought he should return to Seattle. And now, I would like to propose that this year, the Marniers replace Franklin Gutierrez bobblehead day with one of Taryn Griffey. Seattle city officials had better be FedEx-ing this girl a key to the city, like now-style.
Griffey's return has brought a joy to the city that hasn't been seen since the Seahawks reached the Super Bowl. Local sports radio has been filled with grown men calling in to confess how the news brought them to tears. Fathers recalling memories of when they were a child and went to the ballpark to see a 19 year-old Griffey begin his career, and how they're sons and daughters now have the chance to share in the memories of Griffey's return. Perhaps the ultimate irony of this situation might be that a sacrifice by Taryn Griffey, that will cause her family to be farther apart, will now provide so many Mariners fans' families the chance to create memories that will bring them a little closer.
In an arena so filled with cynicism, so filled with contempt for the over paid athlete, sports fans simply do not get the chance to experience something like this. The one-time savior of a city, who was led away by circumstance, making the sentimental decision to end his career where it all began. And the city of Seattle might just owe it all to a teenage girl.
According to Griffey's agent Brian Goldberg, it was Griffey's daughter Taryn, who played quite possibly the largest role in her father's decision. Griffey's biggest hold up with his return to Seattle was the distance that would be between him and his family during the season. His daughter attends school in Atlanta(insert snicker here), and Griffey was concerned with missing - amongst other events - her basketball games. It was Wednesday afternoon, the day that Griffey was due to announce his decision, that Taryn returned home from school to find her father still agonizing over the choice at hand. Taryn told her father that it was her events he would be missing the most of, and that she thought he should return to Seattle. And now, I would like to propose that this year, the Marniers replace Franklin Gutierrez bobblehead day with one of Taryn Griffey. Seattle city officials had better be FedEx-ing this girl a key to the city, like now-style.
Griffey's return has brought a joy to the city that hasn't been seen since the Seahawks reached the Super Bowl. Local sports radio has been filled with grown men calling in to confess how the news brought them to tears. Fathers recalling memories of when they were a child and went to the ballpark to see a 19 year-old Griffey begin his career, and how they're sons and daughters now have the chance to share in the memories of Griffey's return. Perhaps the ultimate irony of this situation might be that a sacrifice by Taryn Griffey, that will cause her family to be farther apart, will now provide so many Mariners fans' families the chance to create memories that will bring them a little closer.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Slam dunk? Not so much.
For recreational NBA fans such as myself, Saturday night was possibly the most attractive night of the season. The slam dunk competition has provided countless memories for fans in the past. From the unforgettable battles between Michael Jordan and Dominique Wilkins in the 80's, to Vince Carter's super human display in 2000, to Dwight Howard's spectacular performance just one year ago, Saturday night looked to be the perfect opportunity to create more history. Unfortunately, someone forgot to inform the contestants.
Last year, it was Dwight Howard strapping on a cape and flying through the air ala Clark Kent's alter ego that put the final touches on a contest in which Gerald Green blew out a candle in a cupcake that was placed on the back of the rim while making the dunk and not moving the cupcake. So you can see why the anticipation was high for this year, as Howard was now back to defend his title.
For starters, Saturday's contestants were Howard, Nate Robinson, JR Smith and Rudy Fernandez. With the exception of Howard, it's hardly a noteable group of players, much less prolific dunkers. In his first attempt, Fernandez (a first year NBA player from Spain) took off his jersey to reveal another jersey he had underneath with the number 10 and the name Martin on the back. I was so distracted by trying to figure out who the hell Martin was, that I missed his dunk. Since I was DVRing it, I was able to go back and watch it again...turns out I didn't miss much. For his second dunk, he employed current Laker - and fellow countryman - Pau Gasol. 7 missed attempts later, I found myself questioning the meaning of life. The good news is JR Smith's second dunk only took him 6 attempts.
It's at this point I would like to propose a new rule. If you're in the dunk contest, and it takes you more than 4 attempts to successfully complete it, not only do you never get to participate in future dunk contests, but you are forced to go straight to the locker room and read "Sarah: How a Hockey Mom Turned Alaska's Political Establishment on Its Ear," by Kaylene Johnson, from cover to cover before you go to back to your hotel room. For some reason, I think that would alleviate the problem.
That left Robinson and Howard to battle it out. For his first dunk, Robinson pulled out the "toss the ball in the air, catch it off the bounce, and reverse dunk it". Yeah, the same dunk that's been done by at least one player every year since 1986. For his second dunk, Robinson jumped off the back of fellow Knick Wilson Chandler. Yes, you read that right, jumped off the back of another player. That's a trick I did in 9th grade to allow me to dunk. How that warranted a score of 43 in an NBA dunk contest, I'll never know.
Howard did manage to entertain on his second dunk. When handed the ball, Howard looked into the distance and summoned a forklift with a hoop strapped to it's tines. The forklift brought the alternate hoop out to the court and raised it up to a height of 12 feet. Then, as the famous Superman song played, Howard stepped into a phone booth that had also been brought court side, and changed into character. He emerged from the booth donning his cape, and proceeded to make the seemingly impossible feat look unbelievably easy, by taking a pass from teammate Jameer Nelson off the backboard and throwing it down. This was the lone youtube-able moment of the evening.
In the final round, Robinson, did another toss up dunk, followed by a dunk where he jumped over Howard, who stood just in front of the hoop. While it was an impressive show of sportsmanship by Howard, Robinson again used the shoulder of Howard to push off for the dunk. For his final dunk of the evening, Howard took off from just inside the free throw line. That move stopped being cool when a warmup jacket-wearing Brent Barry used it to win in 1996.
Fan voting determined the winner this year, because apparently everything in the world is now being decided in the format of American Idol. I texted my vote in for Clay Aiken, but I guess America didn't see it the same way. Robinson - yes, the same Robinson that jumped off a player's back for one of his dunks - was declared the winner, and I was left to grab a stiff drink, pop in my DVD of Perfect Strangers, and try to forget it all ever happened.
Last year, it was Dwight Howard strapping on a cape and flying through the air ala Clark Kent's alter ego that put the final touches on a contest in which Gerald Green blew out a candle in a cupcake that was placed on the back of the rim while making the dunk and not moving the cupcake. So you can see why the anticipation was high for this year, as Howard was now back to defend his title.
For starters, Saturday's contestants were Howard, Nate Robinson, JR Smith and Rudy Fernandez. With the exception of Howard, it's hardly a noteable group of players, much less prolific dunkers. In his first attempt, Fernandez (a first year NBA player from Spain) took off his jersey to reveal another jersey he had underneath with the number 10 and the name Martin on the back. I was so distracted by trying to figure out who the hell Martin was, that I missed his dunk. Since I was DVRing it, I was able to go back and watch it again...turns out I didn't miss much. For his second dunk, he employed current Laker - and fellow countryman - Pau Gasol. 7 missed attempts later, I found myself questioning the meaning of life. The good news is JR Smith's second dunk only took him 6 attempts.
It's at this point I would like to propose a new rule. If you're in the dunk contest, and it takes you more than 4 attempts to successfully complete it, not only do you never get to participate in future dunk contests, but you are forced to go straight to the locker room and read "Sarah: How a Hockey Mom Turned Alaska's Political Establishment on Its Ear," by Kaylene Johnson, from cover to cover before you go to back to your hotel room. For some reason, I think that would alleviate the problem.
That left Robinson and Howard to battle it out. For his first dunk, Robinson pulled out the "toss the ball in the air, catch it off the bounce, and reverse dunk it". Yeah, the same dunk that's been done by at least one player every year since 1986. For his second dunk, Robinson jumped off the back of fellow Knick Wilson Chandler. Yes, you read that right, jumped off the back of another player. That's a trick I did in 9th grade to allow me to dunk. How that warranted a score of 43 in an NBA dunk contest, I'll never know.
Howard did manage to entertain on his second dunk. When handed the ball, Howard looked into the distance and summoned a forklift with a hoop strapped to it's tines. The forklift brought the alternate hoop out to the court and raised it up to a height of 12 feet. Then, as the famous Superman song played, Howard stepped into a phone booth that had also been brought court side, and changed into character. He emerged from the booth donning his cape, and proceeded to make the seemingly impossible feat look unbelievably easy, by taking a pass from teammate Jameer Nelson off the backboard and throwing it down. This was the lone youtube-able moment of the evening.
In the final round, Robinson, did another toss up dunk, followed by a dunk where he jumped over Howard, who stood just in front of the hoop. While it was an impressive show of sportsmanship by Howard, Robinson again used the shoulder of Howard to push off for the dunk. For his final dunk of the evening, Howard took off from just inside the free throw line. That move stopped being cool when a warmup jacket-wearing Brent Barry used it to win in 1996.
Fan voting determined the winner this year, because apparently everything in the world is now being decided in the format of American Idol. I texted my vote in for Clay Aiken, but I guess America didn't see it the same way. Robinson - yes, the same Robinson that jumped off a player's back for one of his dunks - was declared the winner, and I was left to grab a stiff drink, pop in my DVD of Perfect Strangers, and try to forget it all ever happened.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
It's too good to be true...isn't it?
There are a lot of Seattle Mariner fans who spent a fair amount of time at their respective desks today feeling a little uncomfortable. And there's a very good reason for it. Any Mariners fan randomly scanning the daily sports headlines while they're supposed to be working on spreadsheets would have stumbled upon this next golden nugget of goodness. Word on the street is the Seattle Mariners are mere days away from bringing him back...yes, him...the greatest Seattle Mariner of all time. Albeit a decade older and probably 75% of the player he was when he left, but still, any true Mariner fan with any weakness in their bladder at all, most likely peed just a little bit when they read the following
Ken Griffey Jr is coming back. The latest reports have him joining the Mariners as early as next Wednesday. And for a city so downtrodden by the lack of success of their local sports teams - no Husky basketball, I didn't forget about you, it's just early - this is the type of news that will make you believe that maybe Obama will fix everything. As of yesterday, Mariners fans had little to cling to, you can read my installment entitled Yes He Can for proof. However, the return of Seattle's all time favorite son could prove the be the proverbial rope being tossed into a sea of dog-paddling Mariner fans.
When Griffey returned to Seattle last year as a member of the Cincinnati Reds for a weekend series, the city celebrated the entire weekend. Not just for 10 minutes before the Friday night game, but the entire weekend. I was fortunate enough to be in the stands at Safeco for the first game of the series. When they introduced Griffey before the game, the the roar of the crowd was deafening. The standing ovation lasted for what seemed like an hour. And he was playing for the other team. Imagine the reception he would get on Opening Day 2009 when he trots out between the lines in a Mariner uniform again.
The Mariners most powerful bat is currently Russell Branyan, and no, you're not supposed to know who that is. Which just drives home the point. Injecting Griffey into this lineup right now suddenly makes it credible, gives them a little better chance of dodging the cellar this year, and most certainly gives fans a reason to go to the ballpark. Suddenly, you have Ichiro leading off, Jose Lopez batting second, Adrian Beltre batting third, and Griffey hitting cleanup. If you're a Mariner fan and you're not smiling a little bit after reading that, take your right hand, extend your first two fingers, gently place them just to the right side of your esophagus, and see if you feel anything. I'm guessing you might not.
Ken Griffey Jr. can create a memory every time he steps into the box, and Seattleites know that more than anyone. At this point in his career, he may not hit 40 home runs or drive in 130, but it's a personal guarantee he'll pump some life back into Safeco. His personality is infectious, he's a terrific role model, he's a Hall of Famer, and most of all, he's the ultimate Seattle Mariner.
Jack Zduriencik, if you make this happen, I will find you. And when I do, I'm going to have a single rose in my hand. If you don't want me to kiss you directly on the mouth, I suggest you run the other way.
Ken Griffey Jr is coming back. The latest reports have him joining the Mariners as early as next Wednesday. And for a city so downtrodden by the lack of success of their local sports teams - no Husky basketball, I didn't forget about you, it's just early - this is the type of news that will make you believe that maybe Obama will fix everything. As of yesterday, Mariners fans had little to cling to, you can read my installment entitled Yes He Can for proof. However, the return of Seattle's all time favorite son could prove the be the proverbial rope being tossed into a sea of dog-paddling Mariner fans.
When Griffey returned to Seattle last year as a member of the Cincinnati Reds for a weekend series, the city celebrated the entire weekend. Not just for 10 minutes before the Friday night game, but the entire weekend. I was fortunate enough to be in the stands at Safeco for the first game of the series. When they introduced Griffey before the game, the the roar of the crowd was deafening. The standing ovation lasted for what seemed like an hour. And he was playing for the other team. Imagine the reception he would get on Opening Day 2009 when he trots out between the lines in a Mariner uniform again.
The Mariners most powerful bat is currently Russell Branyan, and no, you're not supposed to know who that is. Which just drives home the point. Injecting Griffey into this lineup right now suddenly makes it credible, gives them a little better chance of dodging the cellar this year, and most certainly gives fans a reason to go to the ballpark. Suddenly, you have Ichiro leading off, Jose Lopez batting second, Adrian Beltre batting third, and Griffey hitting cleanup. If you're a Mariner fan and you're not smiling a little bit after reading that, take your right hand, extend your first two fingers, gently place them just to the right side of your esophagus, and see if you feel anything. I'm guessing you might not.
Ken Griffey Jr. can create a memory every time he steps into the box, and Seattleites know that more than anyone. At this point in his career, he may not hit 40 home runs or drive in 130, but it's a personal guarantee he'll pump some life back into Safeco. His personality is infectious, he's a terrific role model, he's a Hall of Famer, and most of all, he's the ultimate Seattle Mariner.
Jack Zduriencik, if you make this happen, I will find you. And when I do, I'm going to have a single rose in my hand. If you don't want me to kiss you directly on the mouth, I suggest you run the other way.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
And now, the moment you've all been waiting for...
Today, February 11th, 2009, Brett Favre officially retired from football. Stop your snickering, this time he's serious. Alright, to avoid being a total hypocrite, I must take back my last statement. Snicker all you want, snicker it up. In fact, let's put together the largest conference call in conference call history, just so we can all snicker together. Perhaps this is my chance to make the Guinness Book of World Records.
After hearing the news of Favre's retirement today, I struggled to a find more exemplary description of a boy crying wolf. After seeing Brett nail the "crying" portion of the program last year, only to return three months later, I really don't think there is one. Sure, Michael Jordan went away, completely sucked at a baseball for a couple minutes, came back, showed everyone why he's the best basketball player ever, left again, came back, played for some CBA team called the Wizards and finally moved to the front office. By comparison, Favre held the Packers hostage for consecutive off seasons, followed that up last year with an end of the season press conference, where he sobbed and talked about how he didn't have the fire anymore. When everyone basically said "We're cool with that, see you in Canton", Mr. Sassypants decided he wasn't getting enough attention, and came back claiming he was ready to go. Only this time, nobody believed the little boy, and went about their business. The Packers moved on, Favre threw a public fit worthy of eternal mockery, and had to go play for the Jets. As for what happened with the Jets...all I will say is this, I thoroughly enjoyed being at Qwest Field for the Seahawks/Jets game last December.
Sure, every player that has been as good for the sport as Favre has been for football, deserves the chance to go out on their own terms. However, that's kind of assuming "their own terms" isn't defined as "pretending to retire 5 years in a row". This brings us to the reason everyone is not so secretly snickering today.
Favre says he's done. I say the Vikings have a relatively vacant position at quarterback. And truthfully, how hard is it for you to picture the following. It's July, we haven't heard from Brett in a while. The Jets have corralled themselves up a free agent quarterback that can serve as a starter while mentoring their newly drafted quarterback of the future. But it's all good, because after watching Favre tank in December, the Big Apple wants him to get lost anyway. Vikings coach Brad Childress is set to hold a press conference, and everyone in the world knows what's coming next. Childress tells us that "After preparing for the Vikings for 17 years, Favre's transition into the Vikings offensive system will be considerably easier than it would be for any other player in game." Childress then goes on to tell us how "bringing Favre in just fits...", and that he "...can't wait to get started." Favre gets his shot at revenge. In fact, he gets at least two shots at revenge.
I'm not saying it's going to happen. What I am saying is that it's pathetically easy to imagine it happening. And unfortuately, I believe it would leave about 40% of "die-hard Packer fans" sporting a purple and gold #4 jersey. As for the other 60% of Packer fans, well, they'd just be a little more disenchanted with professional atheletes, and a little closer to breaking that rule of not shotgunning a Bud Light before 8 AM on game day.
So I beg of you Favre, leave the Wranglers on and stay home for good. The people of my beloved home state have suffered enough.
After hearing the news of Favre's retirement today, I struggled to a find more exemplary description of a boy crying wolf. After seeing Brett nail the "crying" portion of the program last year, only to return three months later, I really don't think there is one. Sure, Michael Jordan went away, completely sucked at a baseball for a couple minutes, came back, showed everyone why he's the best basketball player ever, left again, came back, played for some CBA team called the Wizards and finally moved to the front office. By comparison, Favre held the Packers hostage for consecutive off seasons, followed that up last year with an end of the season press conference, where he sobbed and talked about how he didn't have the fire anymore. When everyone basically said "We're cool with that, see you in Canton", Mr. Sassypants decided he wasn't getting enough attention, and came back claiming he was ready to go. Only this time, nobody believed the little boy, and went about their business. The Packers moved on, Favre threw a public fit worthy of eternal mockery, and had to go play for the Jets. As for what happened with the Jets...all I will say is this, I thoroughly enjoyed being at Qwest Field for the Seahawks/Jets game last December.
Sure, every player that has been as good for the sport as Favre has been for football, deserves the chance to go out on their own terms. However, that's kind of assuming "their own terms" isn't defined as "pretending to retire 5 years in a row". This brings us to the reason everyone is not so secretly snickering today.
Favre says he's done. I say the Vikings have a relatively vacant position at quarterback. And truthfully, how hard is it for you to picture the following. It's July, we haven't heard from Brett in a while. The Jets have corralled themselves up a free agent quarterback that can serve as a starter while mentoring their newly drafted quarterback of the future. But it's all good, because after watching Favre tank in December, the Big Apple wants him to get lost anyway. Vikings coach Brad Childress is set to hold a press conference, and everyone in the world knows what's coming next. Childress tells us that "After preparing for the Vikings for 17 years, Favre's transition into the Vikings offensive system will be considerably easier than it would be for any other player in game." Childress then goes on to tell us how "bringing Favre in just fits...", and that he "...can't wait to get started." Favre gets his shot at revenge. In fact, he gets at least two shots at revenge.
I'm not saying it's going to happen. What I am saying is that it's pathetically easy to imagine it happening. And unfortuately, I believe it would leave about 40% of "die-hard Packer fans" sporting a purple and gold #4 jersey. As for the other 60% of Packer fans, well, they'd just be a little more disenchanted with professional atheletes, and a little closer to breaking that rule of not shotgunning a Bud Light before 8 AM on game day.
So I beg of you Favre, leave the Wranglers on and stay home for good. The people of my beloved home state have suffered enough.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
A-Rod's a liar. Tell me something I don't know.
With the news coming today that Alex Rodriguez failed 2 tests for illegal substances in 2003, I'm left asking myself, where's the news? What is the surprising portion of this program? It would seem to me that any person with a functioning set of peepers should have made this rather safe assumption anyway. I mean, look at him. He looks like a robot engineered to play the game of baseball. And for those of you who are finding yourself surprised by this news, here's another news flash...Bruce Springsteen colors his hair.
Predictably, A-Rod has refused to comment on this situation, and has directed all questions to the players union, while he waits to for his directive from his boss, Madonna. Oh wait, she's moved on, never mind. A-Rod now faces the challenge that so many professional athletes have faced in the past, how to tell the public that he's an idiot and a liar, all while appearing genuinely remorseful for the err of his ways.
Personally, I can't wait to see how this turns out. He stated in an interview with Katie Couric that he's "never felt over matched on the baseball field". Well, how about in the interview chair? Who will be the first to nail him down? To get him to admit that he took steroids. Who will become the new age Frost to our generation's Nixon. Alright, I've officially over-dramatized this situation enough. Moving on...
Alex Rodriguez took steroids, so what? What does it really mean? Do steroids increase your hand/eye coordination, and allow you to hit .300 consistently on a major league level? No. Do they decrease the amount of errors you make on the field? No. Do they make you smarter? Apparently, no.
Cynics will say that steroids helped A-Rod hit more home runs. Well, if we're making the assumption that A-Rod isn't taking performance-enhancing drugs anymore, I would humbly make the following observation. In 2003, A-Rod hit 47 home runs. In the years following, he hit 36, 48, 35, 54 and 35. See what I'm getting at here? If you're saying that his MVP year of 2003 is due to steroids, then how is it that he produced better numbers in every offensive category in 2007? Of course, that's assuming he stopped taking performance-enhancing drugs.
Who's the real issue with here? A-Rod, or Major League Baseball. After all, it's 2009, and these tests are from 2003. That's like, a bunch of years ago. Somebody had to keep this secret under wraps. Are people still seriously hung up on this? For real? Or does everyone just hate smug, ego-maniacal, baseball players? I beg you to allow me to pitch the following idea. From this point forward, we live our lives under the assumption that between the years of 1985 and 2005, the majority of players were on steroids. Yes, that includes Barry Bonds(and yes, I specifically pointed that out for those of you who were surprised with the Springsteen's hair thing...cause sometimes you don't pick up on stuff quickly). Baseball failed to self-regulate, and most of them were stronger than they should have been. Anyone who played during that time period and resembled the strapping physique of John Kruk or David Wells is off the hook. Miller Lite does not count as a performance-enhancing drug. To say that the statistics from that time period do not count is ridiculous. They count. They're in the books and they're not going away, and we're not going to put a stupid asterisk by every one of them.
Yes, A-Rod denied ever using performance enhancing drugs in the aforementioned interview with Katie Couric. That makes him a liar, but that was before the news of his positive test was revealed. Now I don't know about you, but if the police show up at my door and ask me if I was speeding last week when I was on the freeway, I would undoubtedly answer "no". When they then showed video of me speeding and them with a radar gun on me, I'd probably direct all further questions to the union.
Predictably, A-Rod has refused to comment on this situation, and has directed all questions to the players union, while he waits to for his directive from his boss, Madonna. Oh wait, she's moved on, never mind. A-Rod now faces the challenge that so many professional athletes have faced in the past, how to tell the public that he's an idiot and a liar, all while appearing genuinely remorseful for the err of his ways.
Personally, I can't wait to see how this turns out. He stated in an interview with Katie Couric that he's "never felt over matched on the baseball field". Well, how about in the interview chair? Who will be the first to nail him down? To get him to admit that he took steroids. Who will become the new age Frost to our generation's Nixon. Alright, I've officially over-dramatized this situation enough. Moving on...
Alex Rodriguez took steroids, so what? What does it really mean? Do steroids increase your hand/eye coordination, and allow you to hit .300 consistently on a major league level? No. Do they decrease the amount of errors you make on the field? No. Do they make you smarter? Apparently, no.
Cynics will say that steroids helped A-Rod hit more home runs. Well, if we're making the assumption that A-Rod isn't taking performance-enhancing drugs anymore, I would humbly make the following observation. In 2003, A-Rod hit 47 home runs. In the years following, he hit 36, 48, 35, 54 and 35. See what I'm getting at here? If you're saying that his MVP year of 2003 is due to steroids, then how is it that he produced better numbers in every offensive category in 2007? Of course, that's assuming he stopped taking performance-enhancing drugs.
Who's the real issue with here? A-Rod, or Major League Baseball. After all, it's 2009, and these tests are from 2003. That's like, a bunch of years ago. Somebody had to keep this secret under wraps. Are people still seriously hung up on this? For real? Or does everyone just hate smug, ego-maniacal, baseball players? I beg you to allow me to pitch the following idea. From this point forward, we live our lives under the assumption that between the years of 1985 and 2005, the majority of players were on steroids. Yes, that includes Barry Bonds(and yes, I specifically pointed that out for those of you who were surprised with the Springsteen's hair thing...cause sometimes you don't pick up on stuff quickly). Baseball failed to self-regulate, and most of them were stronger than they should have been. Anyone who played during that time period and resembled the strapping physique of John Kruk or David Wells is off the hook. Miller Lite does not count as a performance-enhancing drug. To say that the statistics from that time period do not count is ridiculous. They count. They're in the books and they're not going away, and we're not going to put a stupid asterisk by every one of them.
Yes, A-Rod denied ever using performance enhancing drugs in the aforementioned interview with Katie Couric. That makes him a liar, but that was before the news of his positive test was revealed. Now I don't know about you, but if the police show up at my door and ask me if I was speeding last week when I was on the freeway, I would undoubtedly answer "no". When they then showed video of me speeding and them with a radar gun on me, I'd probably direct all further questions to the union.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Michael Phelps, Certified Genius
Really Michael Phelps?! Really?! News flash homey, people know who you are, and they're watching. You should probably save the bong hits for when you're in trustworthy company. And at this point in your life, "trustworthy company" consist of yourself, and maybe...wait, on second thought, pretty much just yourself.
I admit, I'm no genius, but if I had just become the greatest Olympian of all time, I'm pretty sure I'd keep the Chong-ish antics inside my own home. Then again, nobody accused Michael Phelps of being a genius. This is the same Michael Phelps that thought it was a sweet idea to scoop up a bi-sexual porn actress as his leading lady following his legendary performance in Beijing. The same Michael Phelps who thought he'd put on a good show as host of SNL. Yeah, genius seems like a bit of a stretch.
His latest faux pas begs the question, who's babysitting this guy?! Doesn't this kid have a publicist? If he does, perhaps that person deserves to quickly join the ranks of the unemployed. Although, if that person is interested in keeping their job, I have a some humble advice. Phelps lost his sponsorship earlier today with the Kellogg Company, probably due to the fact that cereal isn't hugely popular with the pot community. If his publicist were smart, they would have immediately put in calls to such reefer-related companies such as Hot Pocket, Cheetos and Domino's. Now there's a couple companies who's main customer base could relate to Phelps.
Imagine yourself recently having paid a visit to the pipe. You gracefully waltz your way to the kitchen on a mission to fill your empty belly. You pop open the freezer to survey your options, and you notice a box with a svelte, 23 year-old Olympic champion gripping on to a Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket. You think to yourself - and remember, you just visited the pipe - "maybe if I eat enough Hot Pockets, I'll be an Olympic champion". Or perhaps it's you and your buddies, hanging out in your studio apartment playing Fall Out 3, stoned out of your minds, and starving. You think to yourself "what would Michael Phelps do", and suddenly you remember that commercial you saw earlier in the day. "He would totally order Domino's," the group shouts simultaneously. And frankly, at this point, it seems like he would.
It is here that I start to begin thinking that perhaps Mr. Phelps is indeed a genius. Today he was suspended from swimming for 3 months, which is the equivalent of giving the naughty kid a 3 day, out of school suspension. You just gave Phelps a mandatory 3 month vacation, less than 6 months post-Olympics. I'm sure he's devastated. The dude's obviously got things going on outside of the pool. The governing body also pulled his sponsorship for the same 3 month period. Um, I think he can probably afford it. If he's hard up for cash, he can just melt down one of the 265 gold medals he's got in that shoebox underneath his bed.
How does this all affect his image? Honestly, it probably makes him more of an American icon. I mean, what's more American than hanging out with your porn actress girlfriend, mouth over a bong, bumpin' uglies to the sweet sounds of Carrie Underwood? Alright, so there's no proof that Phelps listens to Carrie Underwood, yet, but you get my point. Who does America love more, Mark Spitz or Dave Chappelle?
My apologies Mike, perhaps it's me who's the dummy.
I admit, I'm no genius, but if I had just become the greatest Olympian of all time, I'm pretty sure I'd keep the Chong-ish antics inside my own home. Then again, nobody accused Michael Phelps of being a genius. This is the same Michael Phelps that thought it was a sweet idea to scoop up a bi-sexual porn actress as his leading lady following his legendary performance in Beijing. The same Michael Phelps who thought he'd put on a good show as host of SNL. Yeah, genius seems like a bit of a stretch.
His latest faux pas begs the question, who's babysitting this guy?! Doesn't this kid have a publicist? If he does, perhaps that person deserves to quickly join the ranks of the unemployed. Although, if that person is interested in keeping their job, I have a some humble advice. Phelps lost his sponsorship earlier today with the Kellogg Company, probably due to the fact that cereal isn't hugely popular with the pot community. If his publicist were smart, they would have immediately put in calls to such reefer-related companies such as Hot Pocket, Cheetos and Domino's. Now there's a couple companies who's main customer base could relate to Phelps.
Imagine yourself recently having paid a visit to the pipe. You gracefully waltz your way to the kitchen on a mission to fill your empty belly. You pop open the freezer to survey your options, and you notice a box with a svelte, 23 year-old Olympic champion gripping on to a Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket. You think to yourself - and remember, you just visited the pipe - "maybe if I eat enough Hot Pockets, I'll be an Olympic champion". Or perhaps it's you and your buddies, hanging out in your studio apartment playing Fall Out 3, stoned out of your minds, and starving. You think to yourself "what would Michael Phelps do", and suddenly you remember that commercial you saw earlier in the day. "He would totally order Domino's," the group shouts simultaneously. And frankly, at this point, it seems like he would.
It is here that I start to begin thinking that perhaps Mr. Phelps is indeed a genius. Today he was suspended from swimming for 3 months, which is the equivalent of giving the naughty kid a 3 day, out of school suspension. You just gave Phelps a mandatory 3 month vacation, less than 6 months post-Olympics. I'm sure he's devastated. The dude's obviously got things going on outside of the pool. The governing body also pulled his sponsorship for the same 3 month period. Um, I think he can probably afford it. If he's hard up for cash, he can just melt down one of the 265 gold medals he's got in that shoebox underneath his bed.
How does this all affect his image? Honestly, it probably makes him more of an American icon. I mean, what's more American than hanging out with your porn actress girlfriend, mouth over a bong, bumpin' uglies to the sweet sounds of Carrie Underwood? Alright, so there's no proof that Phelps listens to Carrie Underwood, yet, but you get my point. Who does America love more, Mark Spitz or Dave Chappelle?
My apologies Mike, perhaps it's me who's the dummy.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Attention NFL Owners With A Vacant Coaching Position
Your dreams have come true. I have found you your next head coach. He is young, full of zest for life, and quite possibly, the ultimate motivational speaker. He may be a little rough around the edges when it comes to the West Coast offense. He may not be able to make a firm decision on whether the team should run a 3-4 or 4-3 defensive front. He may not even like the game, big deal? What you really want is a marketable, pretty face. Someone who can woo your fans when he's being interviewed as he jogs into the locker room at halftime. Someone who can light a fire under an underachieving group of professional monsters, and turn a 17 point halftime deficit into a thrilling, last second 3 point victory. And if he happens to be Batman in his free time, well then all the better for memorabilia sales.
The link below will take you to an audio clip from the set of the latest Terminator movie, starring Christian Bale. If your ears are sensitive to swears, you're going to want to get the muffs out. What Christian appears to be doing is what's commonly referred to as "motivating the troops". Unfortunately, he seems to sacrifice the personal pride of one of his team members. It really has nothing to do with sports, and seemingly has no place in my blog, but if you were ever wondering what Christian said after finding out The Dark Knight wasn't nominated for an Oscar in the Best Picture category, I'm guessing it might be similar to what's heard here. Someone needs to tell the caterer to limit the amount of Red Bull Mr. Bale is allowed to have. Enjoy the sweet whispers of an American Psycho...
http://www.movieweb.com/news/NEyT1BAGS3QICC
Perhaps it was Heath who put it best when he so eloquently posed the question "Why so serious?"
The link below will take you to an audio clip from the set of the latest Terminator movie, starring Christian Bale. If your ears are sensitive to swears, you're going to want to get the muffs out. What Christian appears to be doing is what's commonly referred to as "motivating the troops". Unfortunately, he seems to sacrifice the personal pride of one of his team members. It really has nothing to do with sports, and seemingly has no place in my blog, but if you were ever wondering what Christian said after finding out The Dark Knight wasn't nominated for an Oscar in the Best Picture category, I'm guessing it might be similar to what's heard here. Someone needs to tell the caterer to limit the amount of Red Bull Mr. Bale is allowed to have. Enjoy the sweet whispers of an American Psycho...
http://www.movieweb.com/news/NEyT1BAGS3QICC
Perhaps it was Heath who put it best when he so eloquently posed the question "Why so serious?"
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Yes He Can
Jack Zduriencik is to the Mariners what Obama is to the nation. Yes, I am serious...mostly. Obama inherited a mess created by a guy who spent money like he didn't care, had no excuses for his major miscues and ended up being disliked by almost everyone with a sane mind. Alright, so Bill Bavasi's approval rating never go that low, but it wasn't very high. And now here's Captain Jack, to break it all down, tell you this won't be fixed overnight, and provide Mariner fans with the hope of sunny days ahead. Fine, it's a stretch, but it's February 1st and Mariner fans need something to cling to.
Zduriencik's done everything right so far. He told fans to keep their pants on, it's going to be a while. He hired a manager that showed fans he's serious when he says he's going to be building from the ground up. Sure, Don Wakasaywhatnow has never been a major league manager, but fans can be positive they'll feel better about him being in the dugout than they would Jim Riggleman. Sorry Jim, but your name is Riggleman, I can't take you serious. Zduriencik's already made savvy moves that show you how it is that he could somehow help the Brewers get to the playoffs.
The latest is quite possibly the most under the radar move, but is a fine example of my point. The Mariners recently signed Mike Sweeney to a minor league contract. On the surface, Sweeney's a 35-year-old guy who played 42 games for the A's last year after have knee surgery. Dig a little deeper, and he's a guy who hit .300 for over a decade in Kansas City, from all accounts is a fantastic clubhouse personality, possibly helps you fill a much needed role on the team, and feels like he has something to prove. How much do you have to pay him? Not nearly as much as you paid Brad Wilkerson last year to hang around for 14 seconds. The pluses with a move like this are numerous. If Sweeney makes the team, you have a proven veteran hitter who hangs around kids like Clement, Balentien and Gutierrez, teaching them a thing or two about hitting in the major leagues. Sweeney's knowledge of American League pitching is invaluable. He fills in nicely at DH and 1B occasionally, helping to keep your roster fresh throughout the season. Worst case scenario, Sweeney completely flops in spring and you part ways, costing you next to nothing. It's a low-risk/potentially high reward move.
Zduriencik has pointed out the fact that the Mariners can't buy their way out of this mess. It's going to take time, and it's going to take players you've never heard of growing into important roles. Meanwhile, Zduriencik continues to make moves that slice payroll and increase the number of quality prospects in they system. It can even be argued that the most controversial move - giving Eric Bedard a $750,000 raise to $7.75 million after Bedard basically pouted and refused to play nice for a half a season - was a good deal. When healthy - which all reports say he is - Bedard gives you one of the top left-handed starters in the American League at a reasonable price. And by reasonable, I mean less money than salary vacuums Carlos Silva, Jarrod Washburn and Miguel Batista, all of whom are in danger of not even being in the rotation come opening day.
The relief portion of the program has been solidified by Zduriencik as well. A month ago, the Mariner bullpen was looking like it was going to be a ghost town. However, with the recent additions of David Aardsma, Tyler Walker and Garret Olson, coupled with the hopeful emergence of Roy Corcoran and Mark Lowe, the fight for a spot on the back end looks to be shaping up. And who knows, Maybe the $10 million dollar man Miguel Batista can save a game or two.
Offensively, the Mariners show you why they lost 100 games last year. I recently sent in my application for the clean up spot on this roster. I haven't heard back yet, but I assume that's because they're currently checking my references. The best thing you can say about the majority of the roster is that they're young, and hopefully unpredictability can be a good thing. Who knows, maybe Beltre repeats the year MVP-like year he had with the Dodgers - that actually happened, right? - Wladimir Balentien ends up hitting .280/30/100, Jose Lopez has another strong year, Jeff Clement figures it out, and suddenly, they have a strong middle of the lineup. Alright, now I'm pretty sure that empty bottle of tequila on the floor has impaired my judgement, but hey, who knows? It's February 1st, anything's possible.
All in all, it's not quite a stimulus package, but what Jack Zduriencik has provided Mariner fans with so far is worthy of comparable hope.
Zduriencik's done everything right so far. He told fans to keep their pants on, it's going to be a while. He hired a manager that showed fans he's serious when he says he's going to be building from the ground up. Sure, Don Wakasaywhatnow has never been a major league manager, but fans can be positive they'll feel better about him being in the dugout than they would Jim Riggleman. Sorry Jim, but your name is Riggleman, I can't take you serious. Zduriencik's already made savvy moves that show you how it is that he could somehow help the Brewers get to the playoffs.
The latest is quite possibly the most under the radar move, but is a fine example of my point. The Mariners recently signed Mike Sweeney to a minor league contract. On the surface, Sweeney's a 35-year-old guy who played 42 games for the A's last year after have knee surgery. Dig a little deeper, and he's a guy who hit .300 for over a decade in Kansas City, from all accounts is a fantastic clubhouse personality, possibly helps you fill a much needed role on the team, and feels like he has something to prove. How much do you have to pay him? Not nearly as much as you paid Brad Wilkerson last year to hang around for 14 seconds. The pluses with a move like this are numerous. If Sweeney makes the team, you have a proven veteran hitter who hangs around kids like Clement, Balentien and Gutierrez, teaching them a thing or two about hitting in the major leagues. Sweeney's knowledge of American League pitching is invaluable. He fills in nicely at DH and 1B occasionally, helping to keep your roster fresh throughout the season. Worst case scenario, Sweeney completely flops in spring and you part ways, costing you next to nothing. It's a low-risk/potentially high reward move.
Zduriencik has pointed out the fact that the Mariners can't buy their way out of this mess. It's going to take time, and it's going to take players you've never heard of growing into important roles. Meanwhile, Zduriencik continues to make moves that slice payroll and increase the number of quality prospects in they system. It can even be argued that the most controversial move - giving Eric Bedard a $750,000 raise to $7.75 million after Bedard basically pouted and refused to play nice for a half a season - was a good deal. When healthy - which all reports say he is - Bedard gives you one of the top left-handed starters in the American League at a reasonable price. And by reasonable, I mean less money than salary vacuums Carlos Silva, Jarrod Washburn and Miguel Batista, all of whom are in danger of not even being in the rotation come opening day.
The relief portion of the program has been solidified by Zduriencik as well. A month ago, the Mariner bullpen was looking like it was going to be a ghost town. However, with the recent additions of David Aardsma, Tyler Walker and Garret Olson, coupled with the hopeful emergence of Roy Corcoran and Mark Lowe, the fight for a spot on the back end looks to be shaping up. And who knows, Maybe the $10 million dollar man Miguel Batista can save a game or two.
Offensively, the Mariners show you why they lost 100 games last year. I recently sent in my application for the clean up spot on this roster. I haven't heard back yet, but I assume that's because they're currently checking my references. The best thing you can say about the majority of the roster is that they're young, and hopefully unpredictability can be a good thing. Who knows, maybe Beltre repeats the year MVP-like year he had with the Dodgers - that actually happened, right? - Wladimir Balentien ends up hitting .280/30/100, Jose Lopez has another strong year, Jeff Clement figures it out, and suddenly, they have a strong middle of the lineup. Alright, now I'm pretty sure that empty bottle of tequila on the floor has impaired my judgement, but hey, who knows? It's February 1st, anything's possible.
All in all, it's not quite a stimulus package, but what Jack Zduriencik has provided Mariner fans with so far is worthy of comparable hope.
Installment #1
Why should you find yourself reading this blog? Well, here's a couple for starters...
1. We're related and you feel obligated.
2. You know someone who's related to me and they guilted you into reading this.
3. You're positive you know more about sports than me and are looking for ways to prove me wrong.
4. You agree with me in feeling like Jack Zduriencik - yes, I have memorized how to spell that - is going to make the Mariners worth watching again.
5. You can't wait to get to the part where I tell Brett Favre to keep the Wranglers on and stay home.
6. Reading snarky, sarcastic jibber jabber about sports is your thing.
7. You kinda think Uncle Rico might be onto something with the whole videotaping himself making sweet plays.
8. You agree that a technical college degree is really all you need to succeed in life.
9. Really?! You got all the way to #9?! Sweet. Well let's get on with it...
Here's to hoping I make a couple good points along the way.
1. We're related and you feel obligated.
2. You know someone who's related to me and they guilted you into reading this.
3. You're positive you know more about sports than me and are looking for ways to prove me wrong.
4. You agree with me in feeling like Jack Zduriencik - yes, I have memorized how to spell that - is going to make the Mariners worth watching again.
5. You can't wait to get to the part where I tell Brett Favre to keep the Wranglers on and stay home.
6. Reading snarky, sarcastic jibber jabber about sports is your thing.
7. You kinda think Uncle Rico might be onto something with the whole videotaping himself making sweet plays.
8. You agree that a technical college degree is really all you need to succeed in life.
9. Really?! You got all the way to #9?! Sweet. Well let's get on with it...
Here's to hoping I make a couple good points along the way.
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